2007
04.27

Apparently, scientists found a planet this week that is “the most Earth like planet ever.”

My first thought: Oil.

Basically, we discovered it, so that means we now own it. Well, specifically, the people who discovered it owned it, but surely they work for somebody and surely that somebody they work for is ultimately part of a multi-national corporation, which pretty much makes it an American discovery.

That is the great thing about corporate science – it spares us having to worry about private ownership of discoveries.

Anyhow, the important thing here is that we now own this planet we’ve discovered. This makes it imperative that we invest as much money as is necessary to get to this planet and then get its oil back to Earth, ideally through some sort of teleportation device. Some corporation or other will have to invent Stargates is what I am saying.

If we are lucky (and I think we are), the being of this planet will be too primitive to care about what we’re doing. If we’re unlucky, the planet’s oil will still all be in the form of dinosaurs. It is not easy to put a Stegosaurus in your gas tank, even with one of those new super pump thingies.

The best possible situation would be for us to arrive when the people of this planet are, like, in the equivalent of their monotheistic phase, because we can come in with our “fire sticks” and “magic metal birds” and claim to be gods and goddesses. I would also like to point out that alien women are totally hot for you if they think you are a god. Just FYI.

My one complaint is that it sort of sucks for most non-Scientology based religions if it turns out there is life on other planets.

Oh! To get the oil on the other planet, we’re going to need to discover a powerful new energy source that is easily replenishable and cheap. It may cost a lot of money, but it will be worth discovering this new, efficient energy source if it allows us to get more of our old, inefficient energy source.

  1. …or we could all just use all the earth’s remaining oil to then all move to this new earth and start again.

  2. [quote comment=”18933″]…or we could all just use all the earth’s remaining oil to then all move to this new earth and start again.[/quote]
    And leave our beaches?

  3. Maybe then they’ll be able to grab all those asteroids out there that they say are solid chunks of gold. That’d be cool.