2005
05.30

I don’t think I’ve actually been at my house in at least three days and it feels kinda good to get away from the chaos, chaos, chaos of this weekend. My last day of school was Thursday. Friday I saw a movie. Graduation was Saturday which, in America, means lots and lots of drunken escapades by everyone else except me.

If you couldn’t tell by my oh-so subtle title thingy, I saw the Longest Yard and I’m here to ruin it for everyone else. If you haven’t seen it, DO IT NOW and then come back and read this and look at my pictures!

Adam Sandler as Paul Crewe

So when I heard Adam Sandler was in this movie, my first reaction was to think of such comic gems as Happy Gilmore, Billy Madison and Big Daddy. I personally don’t think he’s that funny, even though those movies are awesome. Not the case in this movie. He plays a sarcastic asshole and I LOVE IT.

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Nelly. How cool is this guy? He basically plays himself minus the bling bling. It’s hot.

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Best part of the movie. HANDS DOWN. I have a thing for black guys in drag so of course I loved it. I’m sure I’m not the only one..Right? RIGHT?!

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My only complaint in the entire movie is THEY KILL CHRIS ROCK!?@#$@#$%#($% WHAT THE FUCK! You do NOT kill Chris Rock! He is BRILLIANT! I nearly shed a tear but then someone yelled “WHY THA NIGGA ALWAYS GOTTA DIE?” and I laughed. Pray for me.

PLOT SUMMARY;

The basic premise of the movie is Paul Crewe (Sandler), an former NFL MVP who was banned from the game after being accused of shaving points off a game, violates the terms of his probation and is sent to a prison in SURPRISE SURPRISE, the panhandle of TEXAS (aka where I live pretty much)! While there, the warden enlists him to help assemble a team for his one-time state champ football team (made up of undrafted college players turned prison guards) to “warm up” on. This team is to be made up of inmates. While trying to enlist bitches to play on his team, Crewe discovers that only the rejects want to play so he goes after the most violent of the offenders in prison.

After recruiting a few to play solely on the basis of kicking the guards asses, Caretaker (Chris Rock) brilliantly suggests that the team needs the speed of a running back AKA a black guy. Paul challenges one of the black guys to a game of basketball in which they called their own fouls. After proceeding to beat the shit out of Paul, the black guy calls a bullshit foul on game point after missing the shot. So pretty much Paul loses the game, but wins the respect of Earl Megget (Nelly) and gains a running back. In siding with the “whitey” Earl loses the respect of his black counterparts until one day in the library, a bunch of guards hurl racial slurs at him and basically challenge Earl to hit them. In refusing to do so, the black guys decide that they need to get revenge so they join the team.

In exchange for protection from the prison guards (think Shawshank Redemption), one of the inmates decides to squeal to Warden Hazen (James Cromwell) about how good the team is going to be. Blah blah blah. The warden decides the best way to get rid of the threat is by taking out the head, Paul Crewe. He enlists the inmate to plant a bomb in Crewe’s radio in his cell. As a surprise, Caretaker (Rock) sneaks into Crewe’s cell and leaves him a gift. He makes the fatal mistake of turning on the radio and changing the station and KABOOM! No more Chris Rock :(:(:(:(!

As a tribute to the late Caretaker, the team decides to dedicate the game to his memory. Before his death, Caretaker had arranged for the team to have uniforms (once again think Redd in Shawshank Redemption). After falling behind by two touchdowns, the team makes a miraculous comeback to tie the game by half time. Before the second half starts, the warden insinuates that Paul had something to do with Caretaker’s murder and threatens to pursue those charges unless Paul, the quarterback, throws the game. He asks for a two touchdown lead and then he will tell the guards to play loosely. Paul agrees to these conditions in the hope of his players not getting hurt and him not spending his life in prison.

As promised, Paul begins to throw the game and then conveniently fakes an injury. His teammates sense his throwing in the towel and are naturally very angry. After gaining a three touchdown lead, Paul begins to sense that the warden is not holding up his end of the deal, so neither will he. When he goes back into the game, his teammates let him get hit very hard but then rally around him after a big speech. Shockingly enough, they come back and win the game! YAY CONVICTS! The warden orders one of the guards to shoot Paul because it looks as if he is escaping but the guard takes his time and they realize Paul is only going after the game ball! PHEW! That was a close one! Movie over!

I think it’s safe to say that I liked it.

  1. You had me until “PLOT SUMMARY”. I stopped reading and started to play with the dry skin between my toes.

  2. The Mean Machine? Escape to Victory? Blazing Saddles?