2009
04.15

I’d like to take a moment to speak for those who have no voice. I feel that they, no, we have been misrepresented in the media. I am speaking about the whores.

I am sure you have seen the stories regarding women turning to the sex industry to make ends meet during these tough economic times. The good people at these so called news shows would have you believe that the stigma is gone and that stripping can save your home and make that car payment. And dammit, maybe that was true a year ago but take a look at what the economy has done!

I used to work at the front desk of a hotel with Candice. She was 24 and really wanted to make a go of it in the hotel industry. But Candice had worked as a stripper for 2 years. It had paid her rent, legal fees for a possessions charge, a great new pair of tits and some lipo. After 6 months of ten dollars an hour she went back to the pole. Things were great until the main stage became the new unemployment line. Because of the abundance of strippers and lack of customers with excess cash, Candice may have to get a second job. A SECOND JOB! Last week Candice told me she cries here self to sleep at night, fearful of what the future might bring.

My very own cousin in law has felt the wrath of the recession. Two years ago she was on her way to a promising career in nude centerfold work. She had offers pouring in. The decline in sales for dirty magazines has taken her dreams and wadded them up like last night’s condom removal tissues. She’ll only have one publication this year. That will be Ms. February in a calendar. Not a well known calendar either. Her only hope is a sex tape “leak” with at least a “C” list celebrity.

Then there the quieter cries. The soft whimper of regular girls who do not have mass market appeal. Kendra who is 45 and twice divorced used to brag about the hordes of men she met on the internet. They would fly her out to meet them or take her to dinner while on a business trip. This was her hobby, her stress release, her reason for getting her bikini waxed. Unemployment has caused a rise in the amount of men on the internet but a decline in business travel. She sits home alone and resorts to phone sex. She won’t cam because she no longer has the will to keep her bush in check.

I have also stayed up way past midnight fretting over the future. Unable to find a new sugar daddy, I find myself making up ridiculous excuses not to sleep with the current one. As far as he knows my period lasts three weeks and my severe allergy to his cologne has caused me to have chronic yeast infections. And just how long do you think he’s going to keep falling for that? Not very long my friend, not very long.

I know you’re probably thinking, “But what can I do? I am only one person and my wife/husband/significant other doesn’t like me talking to whores. Why can’t you all just get regular jobs like the rest of us? I slept with a whore once, and all I got was expensive bar tab, a mediocre orgasm, and a slightly paranoid feeling about maybe making a doctor’s appointment next week. But not because I think she gave me something. I mean it’s not so much of a burning feeling it’s more of a slight irritation. I just haven’t been in a while and maybe I should go just to get a checkup. I’m just going to a different doctor this time because it’s closer to my office. And plus we used protection anyway. I think. No, we did. I am pretty sure we did.”

I am here to tell you that YOU can make that difference. For just pennies a day you can save a whore. Laser hair removal is expensive. Morning after pills are expensive. New tits are expensive. Slutty tops are cheap but they fall apart after like two washes so you have to keep buying them which make them expensive! The whores need your help. So fly that whore you found on Match.com to meet you. Buy that cougar in the white jeans and low cut halter top her fifth Cosmo. Give that hot brunette with the witty comments a couple of grand in the hope she might be off her period some day. Do it for your country. Do it for the whores. We do it for you…. all the fucking time.

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