It gives me a special thrill to know that Joey is currently in my hometown on Cape Cod, enjoying the same crappy weather, hellacious traffic jams, and touristy jackassery as I. It’s like in those romantic movies, when you wonder if your beloved is gazing at the same hazy full moon as you are, and thinking fond thoughts of you.

Except in this case he is probably laying on his horn somewhere along route six, cursing the sunscreen-stained Midwestern family in the minivan ahead of him, and fondly thinking of how I am incredibly soft in the head for living here.

I’m only here for the cheap housing, man.

No, really — despite the fact that you can’t buy a tool shed for under 400K on Cape Cod (not an exaggeration), I was fortunate enough to be hoodwinked by my father into moving into his ancestral cottage by the sea, bringing my personal housing cost embarrassingly well below the average.

Dad made his offer when I was particularly vulnerable. I had just sold the failing nightclub I had inexplicably been allowed to buy with nothing but credit and candle wax, and was now living an aimless life, depressed and unemployed and not yet thirty. Chucking it all and running away to Cape Cod sounded like a pretty good deal at the time, and the price was right.

Sure, I now pay far less than I did in New York for my living space, and I enjoy the many benefits of home-ownership, like cleaning the gutters, mowing the lawn, and paying too much to get the joint painted badly and in the wrong shade, but there is a distinct lack of cultural amenities here that more than make up for my savings in rent.


1. There is nobody under 40 here, except for the slack-jawed yokels who never left (I, as Joey rightly points out, am a slack-jawed yokel who managed a brief, fitful escape of a bit more than a decade);

2. The county fair is the most cutting-edge culture to be had for miles.

Now, to be fair, there is a hell of a lot of fun and citified sophista-ma-cation to be had the further down-Cape you go. Provincetown and Wellfleet are practically outer boroughs of New York these days, and feature some truly world-class galleries, restaurants, and clubs.

If you’re into that sort of thing.

If, instead, your goals are more modest — let’s say you would just like to see the occasional non-white person doing something besides washing dishes or trimming hedges, or perhaps you would care to listen to a new band or dine on non-scrod-related cuisine or walk to anything that could decently call itself a downtown metro area or take public transportation anywhere or get paid what your professional peers on the mainland get paid instead of 20% less or live in a neighborhood with just a few other young professionals who actually went to college and oh I don’t know maybe grad school and have deep thoughts beyond the latest Red Sawx score and Project Runway or be able to take a night class in anything besides quilting or genealogical research or duck decoy carving or shop for clothes that don’t feature sails or whales or shellfish appliques — then I am afraid you are shit out of luck.

And if I have to explain/defend my husband’s dreadlocks to one more goddamn Judge Smails look-alike, I will stab someone with my oyster-shucking knife.

  1. LOL! Sounds like an interesting place to live in for a week, that Cape Cod.

  2. damn i miss your blog entries. d’yah remember me? hehehe.
    anyway, how about putting up a salon?

    hehehe. hey y’take care. :)

  3. Cape Cod is going to be one of those places I visit one day just for the sake of being able to say I’ve been there.

  4. Don’t get me wrong, I’m enjoying my time here.

    Also, drinks tonight, Rock?

  5. I was telling John last night that part of the craziness about the cape is due to the fact that the residents seem to be very sheltered. But I think that way about a lot of Mass.

    Lots of cape folf have never even been to Boston. I think that’s creepy.

  6. Joey Michaels on July 25, 2006 at 10:13 am said:

    Also, drinks tonight, Rock?


  7. Lots of cape folf have never even been to Boston

    and they are better off for it.

  8. As a side comment, I just learned that various Cape high schools have been closed, are being threatened with closure or are being combined due to a shrinking youth population. Either young people aren’t moving here, or the morbidly obese rich are devouring their own young.