2006
12.07

“You’re not a Scrooge, are you,” she asked me at last night’s office Christmas party.

“No, not a Scrooge.”

“A Grinch, then?”

“No, not especially a grinch.”

“Then what are you?”

“I’m more like The Bumble.”

“The what?”

“You know, the big abominable snow creature from Here Comes Santa Claus.”

“The one that Yukon Jack tames?”

“Yeah, him. The Bumble.”

“All right, how are you like The Bumble.”

“Well, I am hairy.”

“All right, I’m with you so far.”

“And also I have brutish strength and frighten children.”

“This is true.”

“But only really small children. Big children think I’m just sort of dopey.”

“I cannot deny this.”

“And also I’m an unfeeling monster who doesn’t understand the concept of right and wrong much less Christmas and why it’s important. If you yell ‘Merry Christmas’ at me, it has about as much meaning to me as ‘please don’t maul me’ or ‘Aieeeee!'”

“I’ve never seen you maul anybody.”

“If I started to maul somebody and you yelled ‘Merry Christmas’ it wouldn’t do any good. I wouldn’t know what you were saying. I don’t possess the language skills.”

“But The Bumble puts the star on the tree at the end.”

“Well, yes, but I’m also like The Bumble in that I can be tamed and trained by a miner. A short, sweaty minor. With metal on his breath.”

“I see.”

“We go tumbling down the mountain together. Our death struggle slowly turning into something else. Something loving.”

“I get it.”

“He plants a rough, bearded kiss on my hairy lips…”

“I GET IT.”

“I don’t mean a moustache. I mean the lips themselves are hairy.”

“Please stop. You’re ruining a childhood memory for me.”

“Anyhow, I can put the star on top of the tree, but I don’t understand what I’m doing. I only do it because it makes master happy.”

“All right, you’re The Bumble.”

“Anything to make master happy. Later he shoves a ball in my mouth and hangs me from the ceiling.”

“Waiter?”

“I’m a little like The Gimp from Pulp Fiction, too.”

That is where our conversation ended. Too bad. I was just starting to feel festive.

  1. I hated Pulp Fiction.

  2. Festive, eh?

    I’m kind of scared, to be honest.

  3. John I’m breaking up with you, you never email me.

  4. Ranee on December 7, 2006 at 11:54 pm said:

    John I’m breaking up with you, you never email me.

    Again?

  5. Again? as in you never email her or that she’s breaking up with you? Either way, you really know how to treat a lady.

    Lady?

  6. R&C’s Dildo on December 9, 2006 at 12:07 am said:

    Again? as in you never email her or that she’s breaking up with you? Either way, you really know how to treat a lady.

    Lady?

    She’s kinda skanky anyway. LOL

  7. John on December 9, 2006 at 12:10 am said:

    R&C’s Dildo on December 9, 2006 at 12:07 am said:

    Again? as in you never email her or that she’s breaking up with you? Either way, you really know how to treat a lady.

    Lady?

    She’s kinda skanky anyway. LOL

    Oh no you d’int!! haha =)