2007
01.18

Thumbs Up

“Is it all right if I give you a rectal exam,” the doctor asked me.

Not wanting to appear to be a wuss, I said “Uh, yes.”

For those of you who’ve never had the joy, you put on a hospital gown and curl up in fetal position on the exam table. Being in fetal position helps because you’re likely to want to be in that position anyways after the exam.

I should have learned by now to ask what is involved in these procedures. Basically, the doctor lubed up her hand? Thumb? Fore arm? And up my butt it went.

It only lasted a second, but I swear to God that when I took a dump later, I saw a hand print on the dookie – giving me the finger. Cold!

Anyhow, I confess, having an attractive female doctor stick her arm in my ass (up to the shoulder I imagine) made me feel like less of a man. Fortunately, I went to the YMCA to work out later that night and showered with men, which always makes me feel more, well, manly.

Not showering in a sexual way, mind you. Showering in a manly “don’t anybody look at anybody else ever” way that only straight men conscious of the fact that the YMCA has a certain pop culture reputation can be manly.

Back to my ass, apparently, everything was fine and my colon had nothing to do with my vision issue. I imagine she thought she was going to discover a gerbil pulling on my optic nerves or something.

In conclusion, I am not in any danger of being the goatse.cx guy in the near future. Thank heavens.

  1. Well John, looks like Joey didn’t listen to us. Only thing left…

    Dirty Sanchez

  2. Well sorry to hear about your erm rectal exam, lol.

  3. R&C’s Dildo on January 18, 2007 at 2:47 am said:

    Well John, looks like Joey didn’t listen to us. Only thing left…

    Dirty Sanchez

    HAHAHA!!

  4. Rofl. You should have been there when my uncle was explaining to my dad why he should have a rectal exam. All too graphic.

    I’m still waiting for the day when such things are less intrusive.

    When I was in high school and the lady that came out to talk to us about our “health” was explaining how a pap smear worked 99% of the room was visibly cringing at the idea…

  5. Thank heaven I’ve never had to have one. Your experience sounds positively terrifying without being too graphic. :)

  6. “I imagine she thought she was going to discover a gerbil pulling on my optic nerves or something.”

    That’s the funniest thing i’ve heard a very long time. Well done.