2008
03.17

Way back when the Giants kicked my Patriots’ cheating asses in the Super Bowl, I promised John four on time updates on subjects of his choice.

I already totally crapped out on the on-time part, though it isn’t entirely my fault. See, by this time, I was supposed to write about “The Political Collapse of Hillary Clinton/Barack Obama (whichever is actually winning and/or in the race still).” Neither John nor I had any reason to believe that both would still be in the race at this point. In fact, March Madness is about get to started and we’re still dealing with this nonsense.

So, let me write about the topic by writing about my biggest pet peeve with the U.S. election system – the Primaries.

First off, fuck the Primaries. In fact, cut a hole in the abdomen of the Primaries and fuck that.

I think that makes my position pretty clear. Here is the way I see it.

The Primary system is designed in such a way that the majority of people in the United States are ultimately denied a say in who they ultimately elect President. Furthermore, the Primary system has made the two political parties (which are not mentioned anywhere in our Constitution or anything) the only two viable political parties. They are one of the many things that have institutionalized this partisan bullshit we’ve been dealing with our whole lives.

Since they happen over such a long period of time, the states that vote later are totally screwed. John McCain already has his party’s nomination. Why should he give a rats’ ass about courting Pennsylvania’s voters now? He doesn’t need them until the general election.

Normally, that is how it is for both parties. The fact that Obama and Clinton are in a knock-down, drag out fight for these votes in Pennsylvania is a fluke. Probably, the entire state is going to register Democrat and turn out to vote. Republicans (and closeted Republicans) for Clinton, Democrats and teenagers for Obama.

Heck, this is the first year my state’s votes ever mattered in the primaries. As a result, we have a 500% jump in voter turnout. They didn’t have enough ballots. People were getting into fistfights. Seriously. Most exciting political thing out here ever.

Shouldn’t it be like that everywhere? Shouldn’t voting matter so much to people that they are willing to take a sock to the jaw to get it recorded? I mean, in theory, this is the future of your fucking country, man. Take some responsibility. Man up. Even if you vote for Paddy McRacist of the North American Bourbon Drinking Redneck Party, at least vote. Jesus Christ.

Sorry, anyhow, the popular wisdom is that Obama and Clinton are going to continue kicking the shit out of each other and that, somehow, this is bad for them.

I say bullshit to this, and it is because of the New York Giants.

See, when the Giants lost to the Patriots in Week 17, I told my friends “the Giants are going to win the Super Bowl.” I believed this because they were on fire during their loss to the Patriots. You could see their attitude changing from “We can’t win” to “Holy shit, we’re pretty good.” I picked them in each of the playoff games and in the Super Bowl. Had they had a week off between Week 17 and their first playoff game, it may have been a different story.

Obama and Clinton are in the news all the time. They are both getting a ton of coverage and are likely to continue getting it through the Democratic primary. McCain? He’s an afterthought. What’s the last story you saw on him? He is so not the story of this election at all.

When the Democrats finally choose a candidate, they’re going to pick somebody who has been actively battling and campaigning while John “Tom Brady” McCain will have been resting for a couple of months. The Democratic candidate is going to be pissy, tired, battle wearied and ready to start drawing some serious blood. I’m just saying, it is going to get ugly by November.

Now, as far as the political collapse aspect of this report goes, I predict that whoever gets elected will be a one term President.

Why?

There is no way to just withdraw from Iraq.

If it is McCain, since he doesn’t want to withdraw, his number will start tanking as war weariness sets in. If it is Obama or Clinton, their numbers will collapse as they fail to deliver on this promise.

The economy is fucked.

Yes, it was fucked up by the current folks, but the proverbial chickens will be coming home to roost during the term of the next president. Whoever it is will take the blame.

Gas is going to be like $9 by the end of their term.

During the 2012 elections, the candidate who promises lower gas prices will win.

Anyhow, the best part about this is that we, the American people, are pretty much fucked any way you look at it, especially since we keep looking at these career politicians to save us.

So, we need to vote. We need to force them to toss out the Primary system. We need to go and pick the fucking garbage up off the streets in our neighborhood. Nobody else is going to do it. There are wet newspapers all over the ground in the park across the street from my apartment. If I don’t fix this, it will just stay like that and I’m frankly sick of it.

Anyhow, be the change you want to see blah blah blah. Nice words, but I prefer “You got a fucking problem? Do something the fuck about it.”

What do you think?

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