2006
06.07

About once a year we receive a visit from my favorite uncle and his wife and kids. They drive up from The Pocono’s, spend a few nights, and disrupt our normal lives as much as possible.

I wish I could lie and say that I enjoy these visits. But the truth of the matter is that the only good that comes from these yearly get togethers is a reassurance that I dislike children. A lot.

My uncle’s children are 12, 6, and 4 years old. They are demonic creatures that need to be sent to boarding school or at the very least, a different country. My friend is from the Azores and I remember him telling me that there is exactly one flight per month that takes you to and from his island. I think it would be the perfect place to send my cousins.

Jack, the oldest of the kids isn’t really so bad these days. He stopped trying to makeout with me a few years back and now he spends most of his time here playing gameboy and wrestling his little sister. He’s still an absolute riot to look at though. In true backwoods hick fashion, his two front teeth are massive and protrude approximately three inches past his lips. Due to the fact that he probably weighs somewhere around 70 pounds and stands almost as tall as me, his head is also abnormally large. He’s like an extraterrestrial redneck.

Heather is the middle child and she loves to let out blood curdling screams for no apparent reason. It’ll be 6:00am and she’s already doing her best Jamie Lee Curtis impression. Aside from that she’s okay. I just really wish that I didn’t have to stuff cotton balls in my ears each time I see her.

The youngest kid is Ryan. I hate this kid with a fury. He’s only 4 years old but I can’t stand the little fucker. He’s constantly in my face yelling incoherent bullshit about Sponge Bob or Skittles. He stands a bit too close for comfort and I get the strangest feeling that he could have several demons living inside him. The thing I hate most is that he watches tv and yells every thought that pops into his head.

“THAT’S SPONGEBOB!”
“LOOK! HE HAS A SWORD!”
“I WANT THAT FOR CHRISTMAS!”

I often catch myself staring at him and envisioning him getting mauled by a large pit bull. It’s hard to control my hatred for him and i’m pretty sure that he’s aware of the fact that i’d love to see him eaten alive by rabid alley cats. Admittedly, I don’t try very hard to hide it from him. I want him to fear me so that he’ll perhaps consider staying at home with his grandma the next time his family makes a trip to Boston. Of course, it never works and he comes along time after time.

It seems that God is giving me a sign. Each time I begin to soften up a wee bit and start thinking that maybe children aren’t so bad after all, he sends me these rugrats for a long weekend. Motherhood is just not in my cards and thankfully, neither is seeing my cousins for another year.

  1. Kids are only as evil as their parents.

  2. My baby is 11 months old and insists on yelling at me at times. I am looking forward to the day when she understands “Shhhh I can hear you. You don’t need to yell.” and “I don’t know what ‘ba dada ada ba nana ma’ means”

    Who am I kidding, I think its cute when they yell incoherent babble at you. Especially when they get that look in their face like they are trying so very hard to say something comprehensible.

    Inconclusion: I love babies.

  3. lol, but under it all, kids are actually cute and fun.. though sometimes they wreck havock lol

    despair.~

  4. That’s .. harsh. I love kids. Both of my nephews are hyper active and they have no discipline from their mother, so they just do / say whatever they want. But I still love them. Is it just those kids you hate, or is it really kids in general?

  5. I remember once thinking like this. Then we had our little bundle of Moo, and you’d be surprised by how quick I changed my thoughts on kids.

  6. I have troubles keeping my tepmer when I’m around kids too. haha

  7. Shauna on June 7, 2006 at 8:41 am said:

    That’s .. harsh. I love kids. Both of my nephews are hyper active and they have no discipline from their mother, so they just do / say whatever they want. But I still love them. Is it just those kids you hate, or is it really kids in general?

    Well, I don’t like kids. Period. But these particular kids make me want to kill.

  8. At least you know what you want and are smart enough to realize that.

    I have a good friend that DOES NOT want kids. She gets a kick out or my daughter and other kids… sometimes. But she just knows that’s what she wants. And even though I can’t understand that as a parent, I respect that. And I REALLY respect that she KNOWS that and has the sense not to have them if that’s how she feels.

  9. Anna on June 7, 2006 at 10:19 pm said:

    At least you know what you want and are smart enough to realize that.

    Ditto on that sentiment.

    However, if when you visit you’re consistant in telling the four year old not to yell, and the six year old not to scream in your ear, they might eventually get the hint to stop. Don’t be mean about it either.