Captain Nowak?

Hi! Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Joey Michaels, attorney at law. I’m your court appointed attorney. May I sit down?


I’ve been going over your case and I think I have a few ideas about how we might best defend you. Let me bounce a few ideas off of you so you can tell me what you think.

All right, have you ever seen the movie Species? No? Well, in it, Natasha Henstridge plays this totally hot alien that comes back to Earth with some astronauts and starts killing people. I propose that we claim that it wasn’t you that was stalking Captain Shipman. It was an alien life form that happened to take your form.

Brilliant, right? Not for you?

No problem, I have more.

Cosmic Rays.

The shuttle was bombarded with cosmic rays and they affected your brain. This way, we can get you off on an insanity defense and then claim some pretty major workman’s comp. Also, if you pretend that you think you’re invisible, the jury will maybe think that you were affected by too many viewings of The Fantastic Four. Slam. Fucking. Dunk.

Cosmic rays don’t do that? I did not know that.

There’s still more. Alien parasitic infection. A small alien hatched in your brain…

Ok. Fine. Time travel. You were sent ahead several hundred years where you learned that Captain Shipman’s descendants were like way, way worse than Hitler. You were going to save the future and now it’s too late!

Look, Captain Nowak, I know these all sound a little outlandish, but you were in outer space! Nobody on the jury is likely to have been out of town. They don’t know whether any of this is true or not. Oh, the prosecution will bring in some experts, but they will use big confusing words and I’ll nail them for it.

Trust me. I am going to help you get off without even a slap on the wrists.

Besides, I’ve saved the best for last.

First, we need to replace your arm with a cyborg limb. Pronto.

  1. Umm what did I just read?

  2. This was Joey’s legal pitch to the astronaut that tried to kill her crush’s lover.

  3. You may have missed it because it has been the top headline for the last few days.

  4. Ahh?Kinda weird eh haha…Interesting by the way.

  5. Damn! I was just about to enjoy the rest of this fine post until I clicked “Read more” and was visciously distracted by Klumsi’s breasts again!


  6. My only regret is that Anna Nicole Smith died today, since John will now have totally covered that story before I have another Thursday update. Damn!

  7. What? Anna Nicole Smith died. Holy crap I must live under a rock. I need to read the news more often.