2007
06.07

Check yourself before you… Well, you know.

I. 10 Summer Songs That Make Me Want To Murder Summer

1. Summertime, Summertime by Jamies
2. Summer Of ’69 by Bryan Adams
3. Surfin USA by the Beach Boys
4. Kokomo by the Beach Boys
5. Steal My Sunshine by Len
6. Summer Girls by LFO
7. Sunshine On My Shoulders by John Denver
8. Summertime Blues by Eddie Cocheran
9. California Girls by David Lee Roth
10. Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini by Bryan Hyland

II. Ten Reasons Men Should Wear Underwear With Their Kilts

1. Hairy Ass
2. Pimply Ass
3. Particularly Pale and Flabby Ass
4. Anus in Any Condition
5. Left Testicle
6. Right Testicle
7. Cock
8. Taint (Hairy or Otherwise)
9. Nut Sack
10. Really, When the Wind Picks Up, It is Fucking Cold

III. Ten Ways To Leave Your Lover

1. Stab Him In The Eye, Di.
2. Push Her in a Piranha Filled Tank, Frank.
3. Move to Timbuktu, Sue.
4. Feed her tainted ham, Sam.
5. Travel to Outspace, Grace.
6. Call her a dyke, Mike.
7. Act like a floozy, Suzy.
8. Sleep with his bro, Flo.
9. Refuse to marry, Harry.
10. Chop off your own dick, Rick.

IV. Ten Teams That Will Likely Have a Better Record Than The Yankees As of The All Star Break

1. Toronto Blue Jays
2. Baltimore Orioles
3. Cleveland Indians
4. Minnesota Twins
5. Seattle Mariners
6. Oakland Athletic
7. Philedelphia Phillies
8. Florida Marlins
9. Milwaukee Brewers
10. Colorado Rockies

V. Ten Things I Ate Today

1. Oatmeal
2. Yoplait Blueberry Yogurt
3. Pear
4. Two Eggs, Over Easy
5. Two Slices of Ham
6. Three scoops of brown rice
7. Chicken Stir Fry
8. Slice of Low Fat Swiss Cheese
9. Four Pieces, Dentyne Gum
10. About ninty cherries

VI. Ten Lists That I Couldn’t Think of Ten Things For (And How Many Things I Thought Of)

1. Members of the Three Stooges (9)
2. Parts of Scarlett Johansonn’s Body I Would Like to See Nude (3)
3. Places Kitty Michaels has Bitten Me (6)
4. Continents (6 or 7)
5. Things I Admire About Courtney Love (4)
6. Whole Number Between 1 and 9 (7 or 9 depending on how you define “between”)
7. Fun Places to Visit in Trenton, NJ (3)
8. Streets Between My Office and My Home (6)
9. Scenes from The Sopranos Where Meadow Soprano Does Something Sexy (3)
10. Number of Letters of the Alphabet In John Song List That I Have Completed (2)

VII. Weapons

1. Atlatl
2. Flint Dagger
3. Dart
4. Sling
5. Spear
6. Hand Axe
7. Pike
8. Club
9. Rock
10. Nerf Ball Soaked in Water and Then Frozen

VIII. Ten Places That The Song Kokomo by The Beach Boys Has Made Me Want To Avoid Forever

1. Aruba
2. Jamaica
3. Bermuda
4. Bahama
5. Key Largo
6. Montego
7. Martinique
8. Monserrat
9. Kokomo
10. California

IX. Ten Pictures I Have Sent My Fiance Via Cell Phone

1. Me next to th the toilet paper dispenser
2. Me trying to stay awake while driving
3. My fingernails when they were in need of trimming
4. Kitty Michaels with yogurt on his snout
5. Gray Cat playing with a toy
6. Me in a sombrero
7. Me buying a sandwich
8. The oatmeal I ate this morning
9. The traffic in front of me that was keeping me from picking her up
10. Our Yaris looking especially cute

X. Ten Unusual Summer Activities

1. Trying to make as much of your skin peel due to sun burn as possible
2. Trying to urinate in as many public bodies of water as possible
3. Snowball fight
4. Standing very still in hot sand
5. Catching fish with your bathing suit bottom while wearing it
6. Wearing underwear with your kilt
7. Listening to Kokomo all the way through
8. Bleaching parts of your body other than your hair
9. Land surfing
10. Sitting inside and writing up ten lists when you should be working.

  1. HAHA Kokamo is playing on my winamp as I type this. And I’m singing along. What I’m weird like that. I grew up listening to this song.

  2. 5. Things I Admire About Courtney Love (4)

    Are you serious? You found something you admired about Courtney Love? Do share.

  3. hahaha but the air around private parts is invigorating! ROFL….

  4. 1. Her wealth
    2. She can get talented musicians to work with her
    3. She managed to raise a fairly normal daughter
    4. She’s not afraid to speak her mind

  5. 1. Her wealth she got from her husband.
    2. She can get talented musicians to work with her because of her husband.
    3. She managed to raise a fairly normal daughter, so far.
    4. She’s not afraid to speak her mind and not make make any sense whatsoever in the process, which is normally the case.

    ;)

  6. Did she also show up trashed beyond reason to an awards show? Or was it her own roast I can’t remember, but she was using the stand as a prop.

    oh well. not all white trash can look like that… and who would want to?

  7. 1. Her wealth, which in part came from her band Hole.
    2. She had talented musicians working with her before her husband.
    3. The State of Washington raised a fairly normal daughter for a good part of her life.
    4. She’s usually too high to control what she’s thinking.

  8. I had the CD Celebraty skin burned for me in high school cause this chick thought she was the greatest thing ever, and well it sucked. I can’t believe she’s got a (newer anyways) cd out.

  9. Hasn’t Courtney Love evaporated already?

  10. Oddly, I thought it was the Yankees list that was going to elicit more responses.