2007
05.06

As advertised…

I. Ten Things I Hate About You

1. You keep misquoting Shakespeare
2. You like teen romantic comedies
3. Your spouse abuse humor is better suited to the 16th Century
4. You just an actor’s ability on how hot they are
5. You refused to see “Brokeback Mountain” with me because of “the Gay thing”
6. You’ve never really explained what you meant by “the Gay thing” nor do I think you can
7. You ignore all the notes I leave around the house that explain how you can become a better person
8. You think Larry Miller is a pretty funny comedian
9. You use the term “Heinous Bitch” whenever you think I am out of earshot
10. Ear hair

II. Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter

1. Touch her beneath her shirt, you die.
2. Touch he below the waist, you die.
3. Kiss her with your tongue, you die.
4. Suggest that you and she are dating in my presence, you die.
5. Stay out past eleven with her, you die.
6. Make her cry, you die. Even if it is her fault.
7. Bring her home smelling of booze, cigerettes, or your cologne, you die.
8. Post any picture of her on the Internet, you die.
9. Talk about her to your friends, you die.
10. Tell her about this list of rules I just handed you, I break all your legs.

III. Ten Commandments

1. Give it to me, Baby
2. Stop Dragging My Heart Around
3. I said “No Onions”
4. Get Out and Stay Out
5. Change the Channel
6. Finish Your Dinner, Young Man
7. Harder!
8. Papers, Please
9. Go To The Back of the Line
10. Hey You Kids! Get Out of My Yard!

IV. 10 Items or Less

1. Drill Bit
2. Decoy Duck
3. Outkast CD (Edited)
4. Manapua
5. Statue of a Sheep
6. Second Statue of a Sheep
7. Condom
8. iTunes Crad ($25 value)
9. Toupee
10. Bottle of Booze

V. Ten Drills

1. Makita
2. Craftsman
3. Black and Decker
4, Hand
5. Sears
6. Northern Industrial Tools
7. BradFord
8. Bosxh
9. DeWalt
10. Panasonic

VI. Big Ten

1. Blue Whales
2. Bronotsaurus
3. Grand Canyon
4. Supernova
5. Jupiter
6. Red Giant
7. Supersize Diet Coke
8. Russia
9. Capybara
10. Great Chicago Fire

VII. Ten by Pearl Jam

1. World Wide Suicide
2. Corduroy
3. Rear View Mirror
4. Black
5. Love Boat Captain
6. Hawaii 78
7. Light Years
8. Not For You
9. Dissident
10. State of Love and Trust

VIII. Ten Most Wanted (UK)

1. Britney Spears
2. Paris Hilton
3. Angelina Jolie
4. Lindsay Lohann
5. Victoria Beckham
6. Chirstina Aguilera
7. Jennifer Aniston
8. Madonna
9. Beyonce Knowles
10. Girls Aloud

IX. Ten Members of the Justice League that Probably Shouldn’t Have Been Members

1. Vibe
2. Gypsy
3. Vixen
4. Zatanna
5. Green Arrow (seriously, dude, seriously)
6. Doctor Light
7. Tasmanian Devil
8. Aztek
9. Bulleteer
10. Ambush Bug

X. Ten Things You Could Be Doing Right Now Instead of Reading This

1. Holding your spouse
2. Playing with your children or pets
3. Writing that novel
4. Cleaning that closet
5. Walking through the sunshine, barefoot, the wind in your hair
6. Taking a long, warm bath by candlelight
7. Eating ice cream
8. Sitting down with some old friends over a few beers
9. Starting your diet
10. Porn

  1. Porn should have been #1.

  2. I was watching porn while I was reading this.

  3. The rules for dating your daughter are actually ones I’ve never seen before. lol this is too funny.