This week I’ve decided to stray from the normally scheduled “Embarrassing Moments” post and write about something in my life that is a constant source of mortification. Something that I’m forced to deal with until the end of my days. Something that I call my sister.

Let me start off with some background info: I have one sister. Her name is Patty and she’s approximately 10 years older than me. She is also a mother to three beautiful pains in the ass children and a wife to an even bigger jerk off. Despite having such an enormous family of her own, she refuses to leave the nest and move the fuck out of our parents’ home.

Yes, ladies and gents, I live with seven other human beings ranging from ages 2-months to 56 years old. Amazingly I have not slit my wrists yet.

It’s not Patty’s lack of independence that makes her such an embarrassment. Sure, she feeds her 4 year old dry froot loops for lunch and lets her say things like “fucking asshole” just as long as it’s in the privacy of our house, but it goes even further than that. What truly bothers me about her is a lethal combination of stupidity, ignorance, and full-blown incompetence. I suppose this combination is pretty apparent by my description of her parenting skills. But trust me, it’s worse than it seems.

Last year she attempted to appear intelligent by insisting that our father was actually at Pearl Harbor the day that it was bombed. Wrong generation. Wrong war. Wrong… everything. When asked where she pulled that information from, she simply giggled and said, “Oh, I don’t know. I thought Pearl Harbor was a Vietnam thing”.

And while our father did in fact serve in Vietnam, he has always let it be known that he was very, very far from the front line. This is just an example of how stupid she often is.

When my boyfriend and I first started dating, I waited as long as I could before introducing him to my family. I knew that Patty would try to charm him with her extensive knowledge of the world and would possibly offend him in the process. Sure enough, she did just that.

“So Armen,” she said to him “Erin says you’re from… Amania?”

“Um, no. Armenia. It’s next to Iran.”

“Hahaha,” she laughs, clearly amused by her own idiocy (as usual). “I knew it was some kind of terrorist country! LOLZ! Just kidding!”

After an hour of watching him squirm, I’d had enough and we headed back to his apartment. “Erin,” he said as soon as we got into his car. “No offense but–”

I cut him off before he could finish. “I know. My sister is a fucking moron. Don’t ever tell anyone about her or I’ll break your face.”

Patty also asks the same 500 questions 50 times a day.

“Hey, are you going out tonight?”

Someplace where I can be away from you and your spawn.

“That’s not nice! Who are you going with?”
Anyone but you.

“LOLZ! Did you see my new curtains?”

“Oh, they’re beige and really pretty. Wanna see?”
Not really.

“Well do you want me to get you a coffee while I’m out?”

“OMG have you tried the new Blueberry coffee at Dunkin Donuts yet?”
No, I haven’t. Just get me the motherfucking coffee and shut up. In fact, I’ll get the fucking coffee. If you move out by the end of next week I will personally buy you coffee every single day for the rest of your life.

Don’t get me wrong. I love her. I adore her. She’s always the first to help me out if I ever need anything and I deeply appreciate that. I also consider her to be a decent person despite her many flaws. I just can’t help but cringe whenever she opens her mouth.

  1. Is your sister blonde?

  2. yeah, i have one of those two. thank god she’s only a step sister and not blood related or else i’d seriously be doubting my gene pool…

  3. My sister is tolerable, my Dad puts his foot in it with wild abandon all the time!

  4. When I read this, or whenever I talk to someone who has a brother or sister like this, it makes me feel so glad I was an only child.

  5. Crys on April 29, 2006 at 1:27 am said:

    Is your sister blonde?

    Yeah, so are me and my brother though.

  6. Erin on April 29, 2006 at 8:23 pm said:

    Yeah, so are me and my brother though.


  7. The terrorist comment was hilarious. I’m sure it made your boyfriend uncomfortable and ticked you off but it was funny reading. I am so glad I do not have a sister and my brother is actually literate and well-spoken. I feel for ya!