2006
05.27

As a kid, I was always close to my father’s sister’s kids. Josh is only a year younger than me and Jessica is about 4 years older. When I was six years old they moved into a large Victorian home across town. I loved this house and spent many days there playing Nintendo and admiring Jessica’s collection of Cabbage Patch Kids.

During one of my visits, my cousin’s grandmother was present. I’d always been shy around her because she always seemed to be demanding things from my cousin, Josh. The things she demanded were not simple and painless, either.

Had she told him to pour her a glass or water or help her open a jar of pickles I wouldn’t have thought much of it. But she always needed him to help her flush the toilet after she spent a good 15 minutes on the can. She was also morbidly obese and had noticeable patches of hair loss all over her scalp, making her look like an overweight version of the Crypt Keeper.

I arrived at the house in high spirits. When I spotted her sitting on the couch I could have screamed. How dare she ruin my day? I was supposed to play Duck Hunt and tea party and this bitch was going to sabotage all of my plans. Nintendo would be out of the question since she couldn’t miss an episode of Geraldo.

And there was no way Jessica would be able to set up her dolls without Granny McFatass calling her into the living room and asking her to rub her feet every 5 minutes. We’d also have to endure the random rants about “niggers” and “spics” that she loved to scream. I should have just stayed home and played with my Barbies.

Before I could finish ripping her limb from limb inside my head, she spoke.

“Oh hi, hun. Thank goodness you’re here. These other 2 kids don’t do a damn thing for me. All they want is to screw around and play games all day.”

“Oh…” I stuttered “hehe. That’s too bad.”

“Yeah” she began “I’ve had a terrible day. I had to go poo so bad! I started up that big staircase leading to the bathroom and I had to squeeze my butt cheeks together for dear life! Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and my butt exploded!”

“Um…you mean you didn’t make it to the bathroom?”

“Nope! I messed my pants real good!”

I couldn’t decide what to do. I had an urge to vomit and cry at the same time but instead I stood there, dumbfounded. From that point on I always made sure that she wouldn’t be around while I was visiting.

Ten years later I’d see her at a Christmas party. She brought along her amputee boyfriend who also happened to be African American. There she sat with peppermint schnapps in one hand and one of her boyfriends’ stumps in the other.

  1. Oh the irony at the end! Gotta love it.

  2. Ugh Grosss

  3. now that I’m done gagging…

  4. haha.. yes.. kind of an icky story.

  5. i just had a flashback to my childhood. that’s way more creepy than anything that ever happened to me though.

  6. Humm…I wouldn’t want to be around that woman. Who says things like that to a kid? I wouldn’t want to hear it at any age.