2005
05.08

So if you didn’t know, I decided to follow in the footsteps of my good pal Al Bundy and sell shoes in order to pay for the crap I like. As a “sales associate” I have learned and come to terms with the fact that people are generally rude and at some point in the buying/selling experience, will probably piss me off. I have come up with a list of guidelines to ensure that you, the buyer, do not piss me, the punkass high school kid trying to make some sweet moola, off!

1. If I have more than two boxes of shoes in my arms, DON’T TALK TO ME. Find someone else who looks less busy. By asking me if there is “someone else” who could help you, I feel obligated to go get the shoe when I really shouldn’t, thus giving someone the opportunity to “jack my shit” as the boss says.

2. Do not ask me if I like a certain shoe. I do not get paid commission so whether you buy the shoes or not makes no difference to me. I get my $6.75 an hour no matter what.

3. If you ask me to bring you a pair of shoes, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE ask someone else to bring you another pair of shoes. This act of fuckheadedness (yeah, look it up) is multiplied by ten when you send me to look for shoes after you’ve already got someone else looking for you.

4. KNOW WHAT SIZE SHOE YOU WEAR FOR GODS SAKE! If you are 34 years old and you don’t know your shoe size, this is a sure fire way to make me very angry. If you “always wear a 7 1/2” and I end up having to bring every half size up to 10, I will probably make jokes about you. If you tell me that “(this brand) runs small/big” I will probably make fun of you to your face. In addition, do not ask me to “feel your toe.” It makes me feel awkward. I’m 17, you could probably be my father, it just isn’t right.

5. When I tell you that I only have a certain size left without going to check, do not ask me if I could check again. I know that stockroom like the back of my hand. If you do make the mistake of asking me, I will probably stay back there as long as possible and you could’ve saved time by asking me for another shoe.

6. Do not ask me to bring out 4 shoes in 2 different sizes. If we do the multiplication, that is 8 boxes of shoes. Each box is approximately 4x6x12in. Stacked on top of one another that is about 2.667 feet worth of box. I am only 5.25 feet worth of girl. Plus, I have short arms.

7. BUY ACCESSORIES! I know I said I don’t get paid on commission, but I do have to sell accessories. If I take the time to show you cleaner, socks, you name it, buy SOMETHING! I’m not doing it because I love aerosol cans or cotton weaving. Buying a pair of shoes without buying accessories is like going to a restaurant and not leaving a tip. It’s just not right and I will remember when you come in next time.

One last thing to remember, when I ask “How are you doing today?”, I really don’t care what the response is. My main concern is getting you in, out and on your way so I can go in the back and watch TV. If it sounds like I hate my job, I do. The only reason I’ve kept it so long is that I don’t make minimum wage, and I’ve got to pay for my “NEW HOBBY” somehow. And if you don’t know what that hobby is, you should check the sidelines of a football game for one of those hot chicks in short skirts. Yeah, that’s me.

Happy shopping.

  1. Give me an S! Give me a H! Give me an O! Give me an E! What does that spell?!?

  2. minus the s, it spells hoe :(

  3. I hear she’s actually 7 feet tall, but only 5.25 feet worth of girl. The other 1.75 is yet to be determined.

  4. I’ve been fighting the urge to go shoe shopping for a few weeks, but now my cravings are out of control! Thanks a lot ;P

  5. Being a shoe salesperson has always sounded like the worst job in retail to me. Dealing with people’s feet all day just makes me feel ill. I don’t even like buying shoes – I try to get in an out as quickly and as efficiently as I can. If I am in the shoe store for more than ten minutes, it is a failure. I feel for you, oh shoe girl.