Landlords are, for lack of a worse term, the scum of the earth. They financially abuse all tenants – even the good ones – because that’s their game; it’s how they make their spending cash; how they get their jollies.

I recently moved out of my apartment. This particular arrangement saw me paying an excessive security deposit (considering the locale) upwards of $1,800. Security deposits, for those who haven’t had the pleasure of the experience, are the leasing equivalent of anal rape without the benefit of a reach-around. Though state laws usually say that the deposit “remains the lessee’s money, to be returned at the end of the lease”, there is little enforcement of such law – who has time to go to small claims court? – and so, renters are usually screwed out of most or all of their deposit.

Late last month, I received a list of deductions for “damages” to the unit. Based on this list, you’d think there had been a Monsters of Rock after-party in there every night for the past two years. But alas, it was just me, with a couple of carpet stains (the cat pukes a lot), a cracked electric outlet cover, and a bit of matted carpeting from where my desk chair had been.

Chaos, I tell you!

To be honest, I wasn’t robbed quite as badly this time around. My previous landlord not only manufactured deductions totaling the entirety of my deposit, the rat prick had the audacity to total the “damages” to nine dollars more than the deposit, and send me an invoice! Against my most enraged impulses, I calmly disposed of said letter and washed my hands of the cocksucker. I won’t lie though – I still have fantasies about firebombing his house.

This time, of the $1,800 worth of deposit, the landlord is only robbing me of $800 of it. Child’s play, really. I mean sure, the actual damages I left behind are worth no more than a quarter of that, but 300 percent mark-up isn’t unreasonable, is it? I mean, after all, the poor multimillionaire has to pay the mortgage on his north shore mansion somehow, does he not? You don’t get to live in one of the wealthiest communities in the country without working hard to steal your money from the lower middle class, right?

Hell, I actually feel bad for the rotten bastard. Energy prices being as high as they are, it has to be expensive to heat and cool a mansion nowadays. You know what they say: mo’ money, mo’ problems! I sure am glad some rich guy is keeping mine. I could hardly stand the headaches!

  1. This is why I live in cardboard boxes and the community YMCA.

  2. LMAO!@”This is why I live in cardboard boxes and the community YMCA.”

    ah that made my day, but I’ve never had a land lord so i dont know hehe.

  3. [quote post=”1206″]This is why I live in cardboard boxes and the community YMCA.[/quote]

    Come on; you know damn well why you’re at the Y, and it’s got nothing to do with money!

  4. I saw this on the People’s Court. You’re supposed to photograph everything to be on the safe side.

  5. Haha this is funny. so true but funny.