2006
08.11

I’m in a rush and nobody seems to walk faster than a 60 year old with a walker. I groan inside as I pass a group of 18-19 year olds in front of me. They’re having a conversation about Google Earth and moving at a snails pace. Don’t they understand that some people aren’t there to shop at H&M?

After doing several of my errands I reach into my bag for the address of my next and final stop. It’s nowhere to be found but I think I have a general idea of where it is. “Oh well,” I thought “I know that it’s kind of near Macy’s.”

The address is proving to be more important that I thought and nobody seems to know where it is or what I’m talking about. I’m sweating like Whitney Houston staring at an empty crack pipe as I make my way down every side street off of Washington. Suddenly I’m face to face with a husky fellow who sports a shit-eating grin and carries a glossy binder in his left hand.

“You. Me. We need to talk,” he says to me.

With an opening that obnoxious I’d normally assume he was going to follow up with a terrible come on but I’m all too familiar with his binder, so I brace myself for the worst.

“Do you like kids?” he asks.

“No,” I say as matter of fact as possible.

He chuckles and rephrases his question. “I mean… do you like kids that aren’t your own?”

“No.”

“Okay… well do you like adults?” he’s grasping at straws and I’m sort of enjoying it.

I pause and say “A few.”

“Well you know that kids grow up to be adults!”

Before he can go any further I assure him that I’ve been clued in on the wonders of life.

Then he makes his pitch. “Have you ever considered sponsoring a child?” he asks.

“Honestly, no,” I admit. “I don’t believe in most charities.”

He seems stunned by my confession but continues to try and sell as I begin to walk away. “You know,” he says as he walks beside me. “If you sponsored a child you could end up like… visiting it and talking to it!”

I start to laugh. “Dude, I just said I don’t like kids!”

He gives up and tells me to have a nice day. Then he mutters “blow me” under his breath.

  1. Visiting it and talking to it? IT? IT!?!?

    That’s just wonderful. You should have told him to “shove it.”

  2. Yeah, IT??!?

  3. another bs story from the chemically imbalanced/

    they must have upped the medicine again

  4. i guess ive got to be the bitch and just ask.. why is everyone around here so bitter and self-oriented? doesnt life get bland that way?

    the reason i avoid most charities is because most test on animals, but i actually DO sponsor a child.. so there.

  5. brittney on August 13, 2006 at 7:32 pm said:

    i guess ive got to be the bitch and just ask.. why is everyone around here so bitter and self-oriented? doesnt life get bland that way?

    the reason i avoid most charities is because most test on animals, but i actually DO sponsor a child.. so there.

    Okay, so because you’re a self proclaimed vegetarian and you sponsor a child, that makes you not self oriented?

    Newsflash: We’re all self oriented. It’s human nature. And giving to charities that most people are completely in the dark about (regarding the amount of money that is actually spent on the cause) doesn’t make you morally superior to me or anyone else.

    Unlike some people I refuse to live my life fighting for causes such as animal rights because I’m well aware that it is almost impossible to live an animal free lifestyle. I also don’t sponsor children from third world countries because theres a shit load of things that need to be corrected in America (of which I am a citizen). Pardon me for not buying into some pseudo politically correct bullshit like “Save The Children”.

    And just because I’m super mature I will end this comment by saying…

    SO THERE!

  6. Erin on August 13, 2006 at 9:34 pm said:

    And just because I’m super mature I will end this comment by saying…

    SO THERE!

    What, no sticking out the tongue?

  7. fucking hilarious! I like my own kid, and few adults, but I don’t have the cash to sponsor a child. Does that make me bad? Oh and how nice of the child loving man to say “blow me” under his breath. how mature.