2008
02.09

Note: In light of the Giants’ victory, I offered to write four updates on any subject that John requested. This is the first of a series. I already know they’re going to be my best updates ever just based on the suggestions. Here we go.

There was a time before Baseball, but I wouldn’t brag about that. I mean, there was also a time before indoor plumbing. People would go around pooping on the street. Imagine the stench!

Well, in the time before Baseball, there was exactly such a stench, but instead of it emanating from poo on Main Street, this stench was emanating from the rotten soul of humanity. Major American cities knew they hated each other, but couldn’t quite put into words why.

“I hate Boston, grrr,” New Yorkers would mutter as they bashed their wives over the heads with clubs and dragged them by the hair back to their primitive caves.

“Why do you hate them,” visiting tourists from England would ask.

The New Yorkers would reply with the grunts, clicks and whistles typical of their species. Occasionally, they would break into interprative dance to explain their hatred, and thus Broadway was born.

Then, one day, in Boston, a rock was struck by lightening and the 2004 Red Sox burst out of it. Never has the world seen such an impressive sporting arsenal! And each one of them was made of stone!

This was like in 1815.

Hearing the grunting coming from New York, Johnny Damon said, “Those sound like my kind of people.”

“Shut up, Damon,” replied St. Curt, “We have a job to do up here, first.”

“One day I’ll join my species,” muttered Damon in his prehistoric language. Later, he went on to star in a series of Geico commercials which, in turn, inspired a short lived Situation Comedy.

“Let’s play some ball,” said St. Curt.

They looked around for a good game to play and discovered Cricket.

“What the fuck is this?” asked Big Papi.

The Red Sox had some big issues with Cricket. First, it was named Cricket. Second, outfield was pretty much everywhere. Third, you throw underhand.

One small, plucky member of the 2004 Red Sox, Babe Ruth, suggested that they put the outfield on one side and throw the ball overhand. The best cricket team of the day, The New Amsterdam Tories, scoffed at this idea, especially when the 2004 Red Sox beat them by a score of like 500 in just one hour. These disturbed sportsmen who actually still wanted for America to return to British Monarchical rule and give up democracy changed their name to “The Yankees” in shame and are known as that to this day.

Everyone loved Babe Ruth’s baseball rules so much that they adopted them all over America, and by 1875, there were baseball teams in every American city, except the cities in New England. The Red Sox were so dominant there that there was no reason to create any other teams in Hartford, Providence, Portland, Burlington or Concord. People would ride their covered wagons into Boston and live their all Baseball season, surviving only on the money they could earn through prostitution.

Then, in 1877, the 2004 Red Sox decided to travel forward in time.

“People throw the ball too slowly in this century,” explained Damon, “We’re all leaving and won’t come back until this game is seriously challenging again.”

“Not me,” said Babe Ruth, “I want to stay in this era so I can set a bunch of records that will be impossible for you guys to match once the game is seriously more challenging.”

Then he joined the Yankees and played there for 50 years until he changed his name to ‘Lou Gehrig’ and died of cancer.

Baseball entered its dark ages at this point and we really don’t know much about what happened during the intervening years. In 2004, though, the stone born Red Sox emerged and claimed their rightful place as world champions. In fact, no war or disease of any kind has effected anyone since they returned. Nobody has even died in three years.

Also, the Florida Marlins came into existence and most everybody laughed at them.

The End.

  1. Florida has a baseball team?