2007
03.08

Ten Lists of Ten.

I. Ten Songs That Address The Drinking of Alcohol as Performed by The Pogues

1. Whiskey, You’re The Devil
2. Streams of Whiskey
3. Sally MacLennane
4. Fairytale of New York
5. The Body of an American
6. USA
7. Gartloney Rats
8. Sayonara
9. Fiesta
10. The Sick Bed Of Cuchulainn

II. Ten Things My Cats Have Eaten or At Least Swallowed

1. Gecko
2. Cockroach
3. Needle and Thread
4. Dust balls
5. Blueberries
6. Corn
7. Termites
8. Mystery Object (“What the hell are you eating, you furry bastard?”)
9. Cooked cabbage
10. Hair

III. Ten Places I Have Performed

1. Maine
2. Connecticut
3. Massachusetts
4. Chicago
5. Seattle
6. Honolulu
7. Majuro
8. Nanjing
9. Shanghai
10. Namdrik

IV. Ten TV Shows That I Was or Am Slightly Obsessive About

1. Quantum Leap
2. Heroes
3. X-Files
4. The Venture Brothers
5. Saturday Night Live (pre-1986)
6. Carnivale
7. The Adventure’s of Pinocchio (HBO)
8. Monty Python’s Flying Circus
9. Black Adder
10. Friday Night Videos

V. Ten Features on my Body That I Could Do Without

1. Ingrown stomach hairs
2. Nose hairs
3. Keloids
4. Ear Hairs
5. Moles with Hair
6. Clogged pores
7. Little Red Dot Things That Are Groups of Capillaries That Bleed Like the Devil if You Scratch Them
8. The Occasional Wart
9. Cuticles
10. Odd Extra Long Black Arm Hairs (3)

VI. Ten Non-Standard Places to Stick Your Cock

1. In the Peanut butter
2. Between Two Slices of Bread
3. In the Watermelon
4. In the hose of a running vacuum cleaner
5. In the shampoo bottle
6. Into the cotton through the rip in the pillow
7. Into the Noxzema
8. Into That Rubber Sheath Like Thing you found at the side of the road.
9. Into your left hand.
10. Wrapped in the steak

VII. Ten Weights I Have Been in the Last Six Months

1. 235
2. 223
3. 222
4. 217
5. 216.5
6. 216.7
7. 200
8. 195
9. 187
10. 181

VIII. Ten Songs That Hit Number One on Billboard But Are Seldom Played Anymore

1. “Coming Up (Live at Glasgow)” by Paul McCartney and Wings
2. “Magic” by Olivia Newton John
3. “Stars on 45” by Stars on 45
4. “Out of Touch” by Hall and Oates
5. “Part Time Lover” by Stevie Wonder
6. “There’ll Be Sad Songs” by Billy Ocean
7. “Amanda” by Boston
8. “At This Moment” by Billy Vera and the Beaters
9. “Shakedown” by Bob Segar
10. “Batdance” by Prince

IX. Ten Things I Never Would Have Believed That I Would Have Eaten That I Ate, Some That I Thought Was Something Else At The Time

1. Sweet Crispy Eel
2. Octopus Sushi
3. Turtle
4. Some Kind of Large Cooked Bug, Possibly a Beetle
5. Cat Food
6. Raw Fish
7. Steak Tar Tar
8. Tripe
9. Blood Pudding
10. Chocolate Covered Grasshoppers

X. Ten Adventure Computer Games That I Finished

1. Wizardy
2. Ultima: Savage Empire
3. Ultima: Martian Dreams
4. The Bard’s Tale
5. Diablo
6. Starcraft
7. Civilization (1, 2 and 3)
8. Adams’ Adventure: Adventureland
9. Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
10. Jerk Your Own Adventure

  1. You owe me ten.

  2. Can you break a 20?

  3. i jerk my own adventures all the time

  4. This is, hands down, the best piece of writing I’ve seen on the internet in at least the last 30 seconds.

  5. The odd thing? This took me about 45 minutes more to write than anything I’ve ever written here before.

  6. In other words, it took me 50 minutes.