2007
03.15

Ides of March

Yes, yes, I see your tattoo. I am sure it has a special meaning of some sort to you. It has a meaning to me, too. It means the same thing that every one of your tattoos means to me.

Specifically, that you are an idiot.

Oh, stop acting so upset. If you didn’t want people to think you were an idiot, you never would have gotten a tattoo in the first place.

You know who looks good in tattoos? Bikers and sailors. Also, certain whores – but not all whores. It looks good on them because they all usually die young. Because, you see, one group of people that always look stupid with tattoos is the elderly.

I don’t care if a guy was a tough as nails marine when he was 20. The kind of guy who could stir hot coals with his cock. That kind of tough. Maybe he gets a tattoo when he is 20. Something about death before dishonor. It looks cool on him then, maybe. When he is 75, though, and is being wheeled into the nursing home and getting an enema to clear up intestinal blockage, that tattoo looks pretty fucking sad, at best, or laughable, at worst.

The tattoo isn’t going to age with you. Do you think in fifty years anyone is going to know or care who “happy bunny” is? Of course not. You’ll be lucky if Happy Bunny is still recognizable in ten years. Oh, and what a cute little slogan underneath. “You suck and that’s sad.” Hee-larious. Hey, when your six year old comes up and says that to you in fifteen years, it will be even more funny. And your first grandchild. “Grandma, you suck and that’s sad.” Boy, your family is going to have some fun at holidays.

Don’t give me that tired “these tattoos make my body a scrapbook” argument. If you need to permanently disfigure your body to remember a major event in your life, hey, guess what, maybe the event isn’t really all that major. Most of us can remember major events in our lives because they were, you know, major fucking events. I guess you needed a picture of a butterfly at your ass crack so you wouldn’t forget that you weren’t a virgin anymore.

Or maybe that “tramp stamp” is meant as a target for future lovers to aim at? Like if they ejaculate directly onto the butterfly you’ll give them a lollipop? Will you offer points for distance as well?

Also, I want to point out how excited Fall Out Boy must be that you have their band logo on your shoulder. Boy, because, you know, music never goes out of style. And a person’s musical taste never changes as they get older. No sir. Hey, remember in high school when you owned all those Spice Girls albums? Bust any of those out recently? Going to have a little Spice Girls nostalgia party sometimes soon? Wishing you’d been old enough to get a Spice Girls tat – a Spice Girls tat right on the underside of your forearm to demonstrate your never ending love for them?

Boy, your free advertising for Fall Out Boy will probably inspire some folks to download some of their music illegally. I mean, just to see what kind of band would inspire an idiot to tattoo their name on its body. That is, the folks who even know it is a band and not a command.

Hey, I have an idea! Why not add some piercings to your tattoos. Bet you’ll be thrilled to have an additional hole in your lip when you’re 93 and trying to avoid blood infections.

  1. I assume that “Spice Girls”/underside of the forearm comment was a shot at the Poison star on the underside of MY forearm? WELL I’LL TELL YOU WHAT, JOEY. I AM GOING TO GET REALLY DRUNK AT YOUR WEDDING AND SING WANNABE. THAT’S WHAT.

    YOU’D BETTER BEWARE.

  2. Nice work Joey!!

    I’ve gotta share a true idiot story with you (and those that bother reading my comments). There was this little dirtbag gang member whom local police dealt with on a regular basis. He claimed “OTAY” and thought he was sooooo cool that one day, he decided to give himself an early christmas present…. that’s right, a self-inflicted gang tattoo.

    On his forehead.

    Now that pretty much qualified him right there as an idiot by permanently inking “OTAY” on his forehead but here’s the kicker. This dipshit sits infront of his mirror carefully making each letter as straight & proportionate as possible. When he was all done, he looked in the mirror and was quite pleased with OTAY inked on his forehead.
    It wasn’t until later that night when he got busted by the police (for something stupid of course) that he realized how much of an idiot he was when the arresting Officer asked him what “YATO” stood for.

    Ya see, he thought while looking in the mirror, that writing from left to right on his forehead that it would spell OTAY… and it does if you continue looking in the mirror. But for those standing infront of him gazing upon his original artwork, they would see the word YATO!!

    True genius!!

  3. That beats my fictional rant by like 2 touchdowns and a field goal.

  4. Ok I agree that stupid tattoo choices are just stupid. Things need to be thought out, but hey we can say that about every aspect of life that someone screws up and lives with until they are dead. It’s like being 20 and naming your kid phenix madysyn and then asking yourself when you are 40 if you set her on the course of porn stardom.

    However. I’m a fan of tattoos. I’m not going to care what people think of me when I’m 80 cause I don’t care what they think of me at 31 either. So screw you Joey Michaels.

    And for the record. You could have made a much better reference using the term “muffin top” in your little rant if you would have done your homework.

  5. [quote comment=”18478″]Nice work Joey!!

    I’ve gotta share a true idiot story with you (and those that bother reading my comments). There was this little dirtbag gang member whom local police dealt with on a regular basis. He claimed “OTAY” and thought he was sooooo cool that one day, he decided to give himself an early christmas present…. that’s right, a self-inflicted gang tattoo.

    On his forehead.

    Now that pretty much qualified him right there as an idiot by permanently inking “OTAY” on his forehead but here’s the kicker. This dipshit sits infront of his mirror carefully making each letter as straight & proportionate as possible. When he was all done, he looked in the mirror and was quite pleased with OTAY inked on his forehead.
    It wasn’t until later that night when he got busted by the police (for something stupid of course) that he realized how much of an idiot he was when the arresting Officer asked him what “YATO” stood for.

    Ya see, he thought while looking in the mirror, that writing from left to right on his forehead that it would spell OTAY… and it does if you continue looking in the mirror. But for those standing infront of him gazing upon his original artwork, they would see the word YATO!!

    True genius!![/quote]

    forget two touchdowns and a field goal, that story wins the super freaking bowl. I love idiots.

  6. Perhaps you are a sailer or biker.

  7. I have flowers. Lots of flowers. I’m a big flowery tattoo’d whore.

    I really only have three, but still…

  8. im getting a redsox tattoo on my hipbone because im hot shit.

  9. [quote comment=”18482″]Perhaps you are a sailer or biker.[/quote]
    or a whore.

  10. I hate when people get idiotic tattoos it makes you want to smack them across the head and say what the f were you thinking?

    I just got my 3rd. first is my sons name and birthday. 2nd is tribal design. 3rd is an eagle and american flag.

  11. [quote comment=”18487″]I hate when people get idiotic tattoos it makes you want to smack them across the head and say what the f were you thinking?

    I just got my 3rd. first is my sons name and birthday. 2nd is tribal design. 3rd is an eagle and american flag.[/quote]

    TGO you never did tell me if you were actually in a tribe? Seriously though my point is that everyone has an opinion on this. Serious art collectors would treat you as the “tramp stamp” has been treated in this post because of a tribal tat.

    I say to each his own. As long as you aren’t putting yato on your head then whatever. However, I’d pay to see the yato guy so I guess I just love stupid.

    I’ve been exposed to bad tattoo’s since I was born. I have a relative that has white on one hand and power on the other. He’s almost 50 now. We have a biracial family now. That was a wonderful life choice!

  12. Yes…. that’s really true, actually. Especially the part:
    Bet you’ll be thrilled to have an additional hole in your lip when you’re 93 and trying to avoid blood infections.
    I’ve never actually thought about it before, but it’s actually true. You’re the kind of person that thinks a lot about the future. Then there’s the kind of person that ‘goes with the wind’. -.-
    I don’t have any piercings or tattoos, but after reading this, I’m not getting any.

  13. no im not but my son is about 1/8 native. my tribal was actual done by a native tattoo artist in which i feel honored it goes shoulder to shoulder.

  14. The fictional character speaking in today’s post approves of tribal tattoos. Unless the “tribe” is the “Cleveland Indians” in which case she would have a few choice words for them.

  15. Go Tribe!!!!!