2007
07.28

Golden Slumbers

Oh. My. God.

LiLo! What a mess you’ve gotten yourself in to! DUI after DUI and possession of cocaine this time!

Well, fortunately for you, I’m here with some solid career advice that will, with any luck, turn things around for you. Better listen to my advice because, girl, you need it.

Other stars have been in far worse places than you have. Robert Downey, Jr, for example. Fatty Arbuckle. OJ Simpson. That’s three right there, and two were accused of killing people. You haven’t gotten caught killing anyone yet, but it seems like it’s just a matter of time. It isn’t too late, though!

First, you’re a kid. You might think “Oh, I’m in my early twenties! I can do what I want!” Of course you can, but you’re still a kid. You grew up around people kissing your ass and telling you that you are special.

Yeah, get over that, girlfriend. Even if you believe it in your heart, showing that you think you’re special in public makes people hate you. Even the people sitting around kissing your ass resent it. They want to release pictures to the media that show you doing things that you wouldn’t want seen in public. They do this for the same reason they kiss up to you – it gives them a little bit of the fame that you want.

Also, we’re all dying to see your boobs, so keep your shirt on, because the minute those pictures hit the Interweb… total wankfest.

Anyhow, all those people who tell you you are special? Lose them. Get a few friends who aren’t afraid to say, “Lindsay, you are a complete douche,” when you act like a complete douche. In the long run, they’re going to help you more. They’re the ones who are going to say, “Give me the fucking keys, Lohan. You’re too blitzed to drive.” Anyone who lets you drive when you were drunk is just sucking up to you. They are more afraid of you ditching them than they like you being healthy and safe.

Next, it is a free country, and you do have freedom of speech, but watch what you say. Watch what you text message, too. Poor grammar and spelling might be cool among your friends, but it reinforces the idea that you are a moron. Bad enough people think you are a lush, but you’re heading into some serious “Tara Reid” territory here. If you’re serious about being an actress, her career path is not the one to follow.

Look what happened to Tom Cruise when he ditched his excellent publicist. He went from beloved actor to Jay Leno punch line in the course of a year. Yes, he is still getting work, but he is now filling the Michael Jackson slot in the national consciousness. You need to get a publicist and PR team that is older than you are, wiser than you are, and isn’t afraid to say (again), “Lindsay, stop acting like a douche.”

Furthermore, they should be able to help you understand what people outside of your bubble of sycophants and ass kissers think about what you say and do. It’s no good asking another drunk if they think you are going a little too far. The drunk is going to say “no way.” It’s going to take a sober person to tell you that maybe a high speed chase while wasted is a bad idea. A sober person who isn’t afraid to call you a douche.

Third, accept that you are a douche, because you are. That does not mean you’re going to be a douche for all time, but you are pretty deep in denial about your current state of douchitude, girlfriend. If one person thinks you’re a douche, there’s something wrong with that person. If most of the world is saying “you’re a douche” and the only people who aren’t saying it are selling pictures of you snorting coke to the tabloids, there’s a pretty good chance that you are, in fact, a total douche.

You won’t be able to change this fact until you admit it – just like you won’t be able to make any progress on that coke problem you have until you admit you have one.

There’s this concept that you should be aware of called “enablers.” An enabler is somebody who allows an addict to behave in a certain way. You are surrounded by enablers. They allow you to be a drunk, drug addled douche and aren’t doing anything to stop it. As I said earlier, girlfriend, ditch them and ditch them fast. The sooner you’ve surrounded yourself with people who like you, but aren’t afraid to call you assclown and mean it, the sooner you’ll be less of a train wreck.

You’re on the cusp of being unable to work. You can’t be insured. People react more to the fact that you are playing a role than to the character you’re playing. You may be headed for serious jail time.

I know you read TDE, or at least you’ll read this, because you probably search the Interweb tirelessly for references to yourself. It’s just the way you are.

But you don’t have to be that way.

The only positive thing I can see coming out of your current downward spiral is that it might be just a matter of time before your Playboy spread – and I’d like to see that before you’re 40 and need surgery and airbrushing. That’s the only reason I can think of not to encourage you to give up the drinking and the asskissers.

It is a pretty good reason, though.

  1. Least Successful TDE update EVA!

  2. [quote post=”1232″]Least Successful TDE update EVA![/quote]

    We’re all waiting on LiLo to comment!
    *goes back to eating popcorn*