It’s saturday night, I’m listening to Dead End Radio after eating some kickass semi-italian food. Anyway, back to the radio. In addition to the stuff playing that was popular before I was alive, is the local top 40 station. My mother is cleaning the bathroom. Cater 2 U comes on. What does my mother say?

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After being banished from TheDeadEnd, I am back, with a vengeance of course. After a little soul searching and eating a whole lot of chopped barbecue, I have found that my true calling is sitting right here writing semi-funny stuff and browsing MySpace for hours on end. What business do I have with THEREALWORLD? Fuck that, I laugh at strongbad, have spoken l33t and have AIM on my cell phone. I am truly a weirdo.

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It started as a question.

Q: “You ever wonder why they don’t make tank tops in 2XL?”

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If you’ve read the last couple of submissions I’ve made, you’ll notice that the main source of my “funny” stuff comes from a guy I affectionately call JuanTon. To give you a better picture of the man behind the mean-yet-endearing one-liners, I have…well, pictures. And more quotes, of course.

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Tax free weekend. I don’t know if it’s a Texas thing or what, but it happens every year right before school starts. Any apparel, shoe, sock, etc under 100 dollars is completely tax free. Rad right? Starting last year, it became the worst fucking 3 days of my life. Let’s explain.

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So I’m tucking in shoe laces like a good employee should when a tall blonde lady with a Finish Line bag in her hand walks up to me and says, “I’d like to return these.”

Hilarity ensues.

Conversation: (while walking toward the register area)
Tiffany : What seems to be the problem?
Lady: Well, I love the shoes but I’ve only had them for three weeks and the silver part is coming off.
Tiffany: Oh, really? Would you like to exchange them or do you just want a refund?
Lady: I just want to exchange them.
We reach the counter and she pulls out the shoes. The silver part is indeed torn off.
JuanTon: Wow, did you wash those?
Lady: No, no of course not.
JuanTon: Tiff, go get her another 7 1/2 from the back.
Tiffany heads toward door marked STAFF and gets said shoe. She hears the back end of the conversation between Lady and JuanTon.
Lady: Well I paid one hundred dollars for those shoes and for them to just fall apart like that…
JuanTon: Oh, I understand. We’ll take care of you.
Tiffany: Well Jesus Christ lady, they’re made by 8 year olds, what do you expect?
Awkward silence. JuanTon tries desperately to hold in a fit of laughter. PrettyBlondeGuy behind said lady has no such self control and nearly spits on her. JuanTon exchanges shoes, Lady stares in disbelief and walks away in stunned silence. JuanTon proceeds to punch me in the arm.
JuanTon: You bitch. She’s probably going to go donate some money to charity.

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