It’s the second week of January, and I already hate this new year. With a capital Fuck

Happy New Year!

Maybe you can help me out. When can we stop saying “Happy New Year” to each other? Seriously, this is a big peeve of mine. Here are some situations I think are ideal:

Here are some situations where saying “Happy New Year” might not be kosher:

Seriously though, if I see someone on January 4 or 5, should I still be greeting them with a “Happy New Year”? Or is it okay for me to ask them when they’ll be paying me back? There needs to be some kind of clarification somewhere, like an almanac or the Constitution’s newest Amendment. Maybe Oprah can do a TV special with Dr. Phil to answer the question.

Of course, we need to get the right person for the job. Otherwise we’ll have Michael Moore blaming President George W Bush for this. At least we won’t have to worry about him putting a movie together to get Bush out of office in 2008. Then again, you never know with Moore.

Do you think this is something a private investigator would take on? He can talk to the snitches and the local sludge of society, maybe bribe a cop or two, and most like get into a fight at a bar. But would we get results?

Does anyone know if Lt. Columbo is still working? Maybe he can crack the case while telling you about his nephew’s neighbor’s dance at Aunt Edna’s Chinese Auction. Or how about calling on Batman? How do we know The Riddler is not behind this?

Any help would be appreciated. So “Happy New Year” already. Now leave me alone.