hi • a • tus

1 a : a break in or as if in a material object : GAP hiatus between the theory and the practice of the party — J. G. Colton b : a gap or passage in an anatomical part or organ

2 a : an interruption in time or continuity : BREAK b : the occurrence of two vowel sounds without pause or intervening consonantal sound

What better way for me to re-open the site than with a hiatus?

Prologue

TheDeadEnd.net has gone through many different phases since it’s initial launch in 1996, when it was a simple Geocities website. From a weekly (at best) update about what was happening in our world, with news and jokes and photos of what I was up to — a forum for me to share with my friends that no longer lived near me — to what became a daily “blog” containing weekly features like the “Question of the Week” and the “John Ale 5,” plus other well-known updates such as the “Create-A-Caption,” which someone will probably claim as theirs despite the fact they probably stole it from someone else, despite the fact they probably stole it from someone else, who more than likely stole it from someone else….

As far as I was concerned, short and sweet postings were best. They would catch your attention, give you something to snicker at, and maybe give you something to comment about. Ironically, one of the more popular readings would be the long writings.

In the end of 2002, Kathy wrote a three-part piece on a part of her life that she once held private but decided to reveal to everyone so they could understand if not learn from her experiences. It was one of the most read pieces on the site. When I traveled to Louisiana in May of 2003, I wrote three colorful entries (each about five or six days apart) about my trip, and they each received an average of 46 comments.

It seemed as if, despite the traffic the site received on the average day, the readers were looking for more than a simple joke here and there, or a picture of a donkey wearing a dress.

I. The End

For several weeks, I’ve thought about how I would actually write this piece, when I decided the best way would be to close my eyes and let my fingers do the “talking.”

November 18, 2003. It’s the day my whole life changed.

I’ve wondered since then about what I had been doing, whether I was right or wrong for having a website, computer, phone, car, job, and so on. I questioned every single detail in my life and wondered whether any of it was worth having, and if anything I had done would have changed the outcome — if not the impact — that came about on that chilly November afternoon.

Courtney Love, I feel your pain

I thought about my friends. What would they think? Would any of them even acknowledge my existence? Would they support the evil I was accused to being? Instantly, I said to myself, “No, they won’t.” Why would they? Why would anyone? So what if I would talk to someone until five in the morning because they were scared about someone in their life. So what if I worked on updating or editing their CMS programming for their website, or exchanged Christmas cards, or went to the movies together. So what if I bent over backwards for you. Why would you do the same for me?

I thought about the people at work; my job. I thought about everything in my life, things I valued most, and what would happen next. I thought about people I haven’t thought about in months, years, and not once did I think about my mother. Not once did I consider what she was thinking, going through, or whether she even knew… or cared. But she did. She reached out to me, and she helped me.

I was lost. Alone. Scared. The last time I felt this bad was when my father died.

Now, it was my turn.

II. The Dark Cloud

Thanksgiving. I spent it with a friend of mine. It wasn’t exactly what I had planned for myself, but it was more than I expected. It was that day when I learned most who stayed true, and who was true to form.

It bothers me when someone says they can’t understand how someone can call someone else a friend when they know them from the Internet. At least it does when they go to the same websites every day and talk to people and comment on sites and all that other jazz. I wonder if they think that someone they meet at work, someone they talk to every day, doesn’t qualify for friendship because their primary relationship began at work. It’s pretty snobbish, if you ask me.

Sorry, I strayed for a second. It was Thanksgiving, 2003. A day for me to give thanks moreso than any other time in the world, because there were people in my life who I never thought cared that were sending the most hope and faith my way. I tried to stay away from forums and such, mainly because I didn’t know what I would find, and to be honest I wasn’t ready for it yet. Instead, I talked with people that were wondering how I was doing. I read emails from friends that I didn’t know I had. I got a chance to hear about “the buzz” from some of the other people I used to talk to; what others were saying.

I heard about one of the people whom I had stood by most, one of the people whom I had cared for and listened to whenever they needed someone to talk to. Without knowing a single thing about what happened, this person — this “friend” — betrayed my friendship by jumping on the proverbial bandwagon. That same person even tried to be all buddy-buddy with me, as if they had said nothing wrong.

Some people were born selfish. Others learn it. The same goes with hypocrisy. I never asked for anyone to stand up for me — ever — but it’s sad to know that whenever someone asked me to support him or her I would, and they lack the human decency to return the favor.

III. Internetland

When you have something you pretty much live with, and all of a sudden it’s gone, you learn how important it’s become in your life — even when it’s not. That’s my experience, anyway.

I found a list of sites I used to go to and decided to read them. The first site I went to was MeLo-Online. Melissa’s site was one of the first blog sites I visited, and has always been one of my favorites. I found a cute little flash game while I was there called Hit The Penguin. It amused me, what can I say?

Then there’s Ernie, one of the two people that inspired me into starting an online contest, and one of the better blogs on the ‘net. I didn’t find any flash games on there, but I was still entertained. Sometimes I wonder whether he’s ever done stand-up comedy. If he hasn’t, perhaps he should. Though I’d rather have a well-paying job at Yahoo! than working for $25 a night at a dive bar getting heckled at drunken slobs.

That’s when I hit The Mother Lode.

Actually, most of the links of sites I went to just six months earlier were gone. I’m not just talking subdomain sites. I mean real domains, stuff people pay for. Hosted sites.

Gone.

404.

Page not found.

There was also another site, which I wrote for at one point, is still up (barely) but the content is — for lack of a better word — atrocious. Once in a blue moon, there’s something there that blows your mind away, but I remember when it used to be that once in a blue moon, there would be a ridiculous article that was posted inbetween the awesomeness. It’s almost like it’s now a glorified personal site where the owner just isn’t there to manage the place– um… never mind. Let’s just pretend I never said the last line, okay? Thanks.

Here’s what I think happened. In Internetland, there were three kinds of people. There were the rich ones — The Royalty — the ones that actually paid for and owned their domains and hosting, the leeches — The Loyal Subjects — that would beg and plead for someone to buy a domain and host it for free, and the peons — The Peasants — who would jump from subdomain to subdomain because they would take complete advantage of their host and never give anything back.

One day, a big meteor hit the Earth and somehow jogged the minds of the Royalty, giving them the idea that paying out a whopping $5 a month for hosting was ridiculous. Since everyone already saw the naked boobs of the Loyal Subjects, no one would give them free hosting anymore, and the Peasants finally gave up, and they collectively decided to go to LiveJournal, especially since they dropped their ridiculous “code” membership program, which was more like a secret club handshake than anything else.

You don’t have to figure out how to upload Greymatter, Movable Type, or B2. Let’s face it: it’s more like you don’t have to find someone to upload, install, and maintain your CMS for you.

I’m sure that once LiveJournal introduces pop-ups or whatnot, like Blogger, Geocities, and other “free” sites have done, the days of the El-Jay will come to a screeching halt.

Speaking of LiveJournal, it seems the (not so) new site for Internet gossip is LJ Drama. The writers are abrasive, the stories are ridiculous but humorous, and I’m afraid to go there more than once or twice because I’m sure I’ll get hooked if I do. Maybe I’ll add that to my Syndication page :)

And am I the only one that finds it humorous that the LiveJournal Drama site is powered by Movable Type?

IV. Coming Full Circle

Create-A-Caption
To start things off, I figured I would go ahead and do something I used to do: find some kind of picture, a “Create-A-Caption” of sorts. A photograph to make you think, or some crap.

No, it’s not exactly a new picture, but it’s never been posted on my site before, either. Those new countries sure love to celebrate their inclusion into the European Union. In April, some model was more than happy to share her joy.

Joking Around
The United States is currently engaged in a “War On Terror,” or WOT (pronounced “what?”). Those of you that would like to sign up, feel free to do so by clicking here. And I don’t know about you, but a guy in a wedding dress is… well… it’s just odd. But when he gets his own website…

JohnAle 5
1. Where have you been the past six months?
2. Who was the last person you saw naked… while eating chocolate syrup?
3. What was the last thing you did on December 15th?
4. How is the squirrel doing?
5. Moo?

In hindsight, I’ve done some pretty stupid things on the site. With the exception of a couple of entries, most of what was posted had no real substance. Sure, people like pictures, and I like it when people joke around and come up with silliness. I’ve always been very proactive in the idea that my site was more about what the readers said than what I said.

Now, as the site grows older, it should also mature. Kind of like people. That’s why I’ve asked a couple of friends if they would be interested in writing on TheDeadEnd.net.

The main reason, of course, is to keep the site moving with fresh content. But they are mature writers, smart enough to write their way out of a plastic bag. They know the difference between there and their. Or at least I hope.

Most importantly, they can go from writing great epics to something completely ridiculous at the drop of a hat.

V. The Press Conference

What will the other writers bring to the table?
I asked each of the writers to be a part of this project because of their individual personalities. It wouldn’t surprise me to see a mixture of music, entertainment, and maybe some political stuff here. You might see some pictures, comedy, and who knows? Maybe you’ll see a dancing chicken.

Will the Question of the Week return?
It would be great if it did, but to be honest, I don’t have the original mailing list so it might be tough. I’ve asked Jackie for more than enough already; I won’t ask her to do this. I know first-hand that a weekly mailing isn’t the easiest to put together, maintain, and then publish, especially with the “freshness” factor.

What about the JohnAle5?
Beats me. I hope someone can come up with five ridiculous questions on a weekly basis to mock the Friday Five.

Is someone going to bring back your (lame) Create-A-Captions?
What’s this “lame” bullshit? Next question.

When do you expect to be back?
I honestly don’t know if I will be coming back. I’ve got some time to do some soul-searching, and maybe when it’s all said and done, I won’t want to do this anymore. I’m no spring chicken, you know.

Will there ever be a third running of Elimination?
I was pretty stoked about the idea of running “Chapter 3″ this winter, especially since I was working on it possibly being the last running of the game. I found myself to be wrong on that account, though not by my own accord. As far as there being a third chapter to the game, I don’t know. I’ll say this… if I do bring it back, I’ve come up with more twists to make it interesting. Besides, wouldn’t it be funny if Elimination came back before the second running of BigBrotherCam?

That was just wrong!
Hey, look. Elimination was postponed due to outstanding circumstances beyond my control.

On the other hand, BigBrotherCam2 was supposed to launch in December, then January, and then February. From what I gather Leslie [lesliecam.net] is (or was) the game’s hostess. She didn’t disappear, so’s her excuse?

The site’s graphics look nice, at least.

I won’t lie. It’s not easy running an online web-contest. It’s a lot of work.

Of course, there are the usual what ifs:

I did it and I dealt with it. I survived the real challenge: hosting a game.

And I know I could do it all over again.

VI. The Perception of Guilt

In our society, at least in the United States, it’s not only “right” but “expected” that when something bad happens, you blame someone else.

Those that accept the fact they made a mistake, or accept fault in any fashion, are evil people that need help. They are chastised for making their err, and for flaunting their “guilt” in our faces. For example, until the 19-year-old Colorado woman accused him of raping her, how many people thought Kobe Bryant was a great basketball player, a role model because of his work ethic and his athletic ability? After she made the accusation public, what happened to the way the press depicted him?

Unless you live in LA, you wouldn’t read about how great Bryant was on the courts unless he broke a record of some sorts. But when he has a bad game it becomes headline news, and his poor play comes because he can’t concentrate on the game thanks to rape allegations. He is not much better or worse a player now than he was a year ago, but you wouldn’t know it based on what you see in the back pages.

When you do happen to see a positive story about him somewhere, you can find a negative one bigger and more colorful right next to it.

His legal defense is putting a smear tactic together. A counter, if you will.

There’s more of that and then some. Now, what his defense team is doing is not right either, but the difference is this: Kobe’s legal team is trying to make its case in the court of public opinion. See, the press already convicted him. And no matter what happens in his trial, Bryant’ll always be guilty.

Just look at OJ Simpson. Did he really kill Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman? Twelve people in a box said no. In the United States, that should be enough, but it’s not. Before his trial, he was in movies, guest starring in TV shows, and a spokesperson for a rental car company.

Now, despite being found innocent by a jury of his peers, no one will talk to Simpson. Maybe they’re waiting for him to come true on his promise on finding the one who truly murdered them.

It’s been almost ten years now. Someone should tell “Juice” that maybe the real killer isn’t a golfer.

VII. Inner Faith

A lot of good people have stepped up to the plate and shown me there is a lot more for me than I ever thought there was. I learned certain people in my life were not as dark as I thought they were and despite all the chaos, some people still have faith.

Those that know me, know I am not a religious person. God who? Isn’t he the guy with those trucks all over the place? Seriously though, despite the fact that I’m most likely not going to be in church on Sunday, I have been doing a lot of thinking about who I am, what I am about, and where I should go next.

I’ve gone through a lot of Hell. Some of it is admittedly my own doing, but most of it is the simple passage of life. Obstacles we don’t expect each day but still must encounter, despite our wants or needs.

My mantra was always to go in with a plan, and always have a back up. Prepare for every possibility. Don’t change the goal, just change the way you get to that goal. But no matter how hard you can try to be in control of your life, no matter how much you fight to do things “perfectly,” no matter how well you plan everything out… some things are just not meant for you to be in control of.

This doesn’t mean that I won’t continue to live by my motto. I have no intentions of changing who I am just because of a mistake. And I guess that’s another problem people have. Most people screw up, and instead of learning by it they just try to avoid anything to do with it.

Fuck that. It’s been about six months, and I don’t just accept that I made a mistake, but I’ve learned from and also embrace it. I refuse to grow older without growing wiser.

It’s a shame that I had to lose so much to learn something so little.

Epilogue

I’ve set up a Reader Mail feature for those that want to send their own submissions for publication. And why not? Like I’ve said before, this site has always been about reader input. What a better way to give back to a reader than giving them writing access?

Speaking of writers, here are the members of the new writing staff:

They have the challenge of finding ways to entertain you over the next few months. I don’t envy them. I only wish I could be a part of the rebuilding of something that was around for the sole purpose of your entertainment.

And on that note, it’s time for me to wrap this up. I have a hiatus to care to.

Until the next time, whenever that may be….