I want to make it clear that I am not in any way trying to mock or make fun of the ten commandments this week during out look at the once and future law of the land. No, indeed, it is my intention to examine each one and tell it like it is. Granted, there are more than one version of the ten commandments, so it isn’t easy to tell what they laws actually are/were. None the less, I am taking them seriously. Dead seriously.

Let’s move on to a personal favorite.

The Seventh Commandment

You shall not commit adultery.

Oh my, but this one is going to cause some trouble. Adultery is only one step down from murder as far as God is concerned. I mean, it isn’t as big a deal as taking his name in vain, but it is still a pretty big deal. Probably because it is a leading cause of murder.

This raises important questions, such as “what exactly counts as adultery?”

See, it doesn’t say anywhere in the ten commandments that you aren’t allowed to perform any number of degrading sexual acts – just that you can’t commit adultery. This is defined as voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and a partner other than the lawful spouse.

In other words, if you don’t get married, the sky is the limit.

Want to have a six dollar whore drop a Cleveland steamer on you while your girlfriend is out of time? God doesn’t have a problem with it.

Want to be the middle man in a twenty man sandwhich? Cool with Jesus as long as you aren’t married.

Really want to hump your divorced mom? Hey, as long as you are respecting her and aren’t married yourself, it is completely cool as far as the ten commandments go.

Indeed, the only thing that is a problem according to Sexy Seven is havce sexual intercourse between a married person and somebody other than their spouse. Ergo, Bill Clinton told the truth – he did not commit adultry since he didn’t actually stick his dingy into Monica’s hoo hoo. He wasn’t just being technically true – he was being biblically true.

Basically, if you are married, any kind of sex that does not involve intercourse is all right.

This includes Roman showers. Yeah, they are gross, but they aren’t going to get you sent to hell. Hurray!