Anyhow, I want to talk about walls.

Many years ago, China built a great wall to keep the barbarians out. The barbarians got in anyways, but at least now they have a great tourist attraction.

And then, there is the United States. Thanks to a bold initiative by our government, we are about to start building a new fence in Texas.

The idea is that by building this new fence, we will be able to keep people from crossing into America illegally. Apparently, there are some people in Mexico whose lives are so lousy that they would prefer to live in Texas or California.

Take a minute to ponder how bad your life would have to be before you would actually want to live in either of those states and you’ll have an idea of the sort of desperate state the immigrants are living in.

At any rate, there were thousands of other potential ways of trying to deal with the problem of eliminating cheap labor. For example, converting our entire economic system into a barter system. Our government has decided that building a fence is the best solution.

Now, far be it from me to say this is a dumb idea, but I once built a fence to keep rabbits out of my mom’s garden and the rabbits always managed to find a way in – and I would venture to propose that your average illegal immigrant is a good deal more intelligent and more tenacious than a large rodent.

Furthermore, unless the fence is going to, one day, provide Texas with the same kind of tourist income that the Great Wall provides China, I think this is a foolish idea.

If they want to make a wall, let’s not make a simple fence. Allow me to propose a real wall. My wall would be the entire length of the Texas/Mexico border. It would be seventy five feet high and would penetrate the earth to a distance of 100 feet. The wall would be made out of steel plated concrete. Every fifty feet along the wall’s edge would be tubs of boiling tin hooked up to an electric sensing system that poured the tin down the side of the wall the minute anything larger than a roadrunner came within five feet of the wall’s base.

There would be one and only one entrance to the wall, and it would be a single door that people would have to walk through. No cars. Nothing big enough to hide anyone in. And you’d have to walk through naked and submit to a cavity search regardless of who you were.

The motto above the door would read “we search every cavity every time.”

Plus, mandatory stomach pumping.

I think you’ll agree that this wall would actually be effective in both preventing most immigrants and drugs from coming over the border, but would also keep Mexico safe from hordes of annoying college students looking for whores and donkey shows.

Also, large mounted guns that specifically shoot down UFOs.

Let’s keep ourselves safe from all aliens.