There have been occasions where I have pretended to be a fan of something in order to make conversation with somebody. While I would like to say there is a rhyme or reason to why I do this, the truth of the matter is that I just sort of find myself doing it sometimes. It pisses me off, because once you lie about knowing something about a subject you can’t really back down without seeming like a liar.

Of course, you are a liar, or, rather, in this case, I am a liar, but you don’t want to seem like a liar. If there has been one rule of being a successful human it is thus: lie without seeming like you are lying.

I am off topic here, though. Today, I want to give you some tips about how you can successfully bullshit most people into believing you share a common interest.

I. Introduction

So, you were talking to your boss and she mentioned that she was a huge fan of the new Battlestar Galactica. Impulsively, you claimed to be a fan, too. Now you are in a conversation about last night’s episode and, in all honesty, you’ve never seen a single episode. What do you do?

II. Try to Maintain a General Working Knowledge of Pop Culture Trends

I have never seen an episode of Survivor, but back during the first two seasons, I could tell you all about it. Ditto American Idol. Not so much now, as I can get mileage out of the “I stopped watching those shows after the first two seasons” line when dealing with a current fan. This shuts them down and makes me look cool at the same time.

Right now, I am trying to keep a working knowledge going of several shows I’ve never seen. My Name is Earl, Deadwood, The Winter Olympics and Battlestar Gallactica are pretty popular with my peers and I never watch any of them. None the less, I can tell you enough about each one to make it seem like I’ve at least watched them. I gleaned most of this knowledge off of Entertainment Weekly and TV Guide, though it has also been useful to read my Live Journal friends page and see what people are talking about.

The Friends page thing is especially useful as it gives you anecdotes about episodes that you can use later. My friend Ashley, for example, has given me the ability to discuss 24 as if I had ever seen an episode.

III. Let Them Do All The Talking

Most people who are fans of shows want to relive the surprising or interesting parts of an episode with you. If you let them do the recapping while you say things like “I couldn’t believe it when that happened” or “that caught me totally off guard” or “that was so funny,” you will seem like you also watched it. This really works about 90% of the time - unless they suspect you didn’t really watch it, in which case they will do some asshole thing like try to catch you pretending like you know what you’re talking about.

Anyhow, the less you say, the less likely you will be to get something wrong.

IV. Bring up Something They Just Said as if They Didn’t Say It

You have to be careful with this one. Some time needs to have passed since they said it. Bring it up breathlessly as if you just thought of it. Hopefully, they will either be too polite to say anything, will have forgotten they said it, or will point out that they just mentioned that. Any of these responses will allow you to build your tower of bullshit.

If they point out that they just brought it up, simply say, “Oh! That’s right! You said…” and then act like you can’t believe you forgot they said it. You will seem like a good listener and a bit of a dingbat at the same time. Appearing like a dingbat this early in the conversation will allow you to cover other mistakes you might make later.

V. Offer up Show Related Trivia

Did one of the actors appear in The Matrix? Is the series filmed in your hometown - or near it? Bring it up. This allows you to seem in the know and - if you are clever - will allow you to change the subject.

VI. Segue to a Related Topic

“Did you ever watch the original Battlestar Gallactica? Man, didn’t you hate that little robot dog?”

If you can successfully jump to a topic that you really do a whole lot about, the person you are talking with is likely to conflate your knowledge of subject B with your knowledge of subject A. This will allow you time to…

VII. Back Up Your Claim to Knowledge During a Second Conversation

Between conversation A and conversation B, visit fan sites and web forums. Read like mad. However, when it comes time to have a second conversation, try to maintain the same attitude and approach you did last time - just offer more nuggets of information.

VIII. Ask a Question

This is a great one. After they have offered some juicy bit from the show, ask them an opinion question that will get them going off in another direction. If they really like the topic, they will be talking your ear off.

IX. When All Else Fails…

It is important that you never admit that you don’t actually have any familiarity with the subject at all. It is all right, however, to suddenly defer to their superior knowledge of the subject. This makes them feel good and allows you to be more tentative in your responses for fear of “not remembering things the same way.”

Anyhow, good luck, and hope you can use these techniques at work on Monday.