Baby, I think we need to have a talk. A big talk. About something… something that I think we both know has been screwing up our relationship

I am, of course, talking about semiotics.

What? No, I am not talking about the Jews. You are think Semitics, as in anti-Semitic. That is an entirely different thing.

No, it isn’t a Scientology thing either. That is Dianetics.

Will you calm down?

Breathe. Breathe.

All right, semiotics is the study of signs.

Not like Stop and Yield. Well, yes, like them, but not just them. Yes, yes, speed limit signs and off ramp signs. But you are missing the… yes, “shoulders drop off” signs, too.

Look, can I get on with this?

A sign can be a word or a picture - like a peace symbol - or an action - like a raised middle finger. It represents something other than what it actually is.

Well, yes, a raised middle finger is, in fact, a raised middle finger. That isn’t what it means, though. You know what it means, right? Well, it is insulting, but I always figured it meant “fuck you.” What do you think it means? Nothing? If it means nothing, why do other drivers get pissed off when you flick them off?

I don’t mean that you flick other drivers off. I mean “you” as in “the average person.” See, in this case, “you” is a sign pointing at something other than you. Do you understand what I mean?

I am not calling you stupid. See, here is another example. When I ask you “do you understand what I mean,” I mean “do you understand what I mean,” but you see it as a sign that means “Joey thinks I’m stupid.” I do not think you are stupid.

This is exactly what I am talking about. When we talk to each other, a lot of the time we think that what the other person is saying isn’t actually what they are saying, but is, in fact, a sign that they are saying something else.

For example, when you say, “Joey, you left the toilet seat up again,” I assume that that, in fact, means “Joey I think you are an asshole.”

Well, see, in that case, I was right.

There are times when I say something and you think it is a sign that I think you’re stupid, or don’t love you, or are having an affair, or whatever.

See, the thing is, I am a guy. I don’t usually think in terms of a complex semiotic system. I think in binary terms. To white, I am either telling the truth, or I am not telling the truth.

For example, “I went bowling last night” either means “I went bowling last night” or “I am not telling the truth right now.” It does not mean “I was trying to avoid you because I don’t love you.”

No, I was bowling last night. No. Seriously. Call John if you don’t believe me.

You, on the other hand, when you say “I have a headache,” you could be communicating a whole pull down menu set of options. If I choose the wrong one and, thus, respond in the wrong way, I get in trouble.

I’ve already come to realize that if I pick the obvious answer - that you actually are saying what you mean - that I will be wrong 65% of the time.

No. I calculated it. I have it all worked out on this Excel Spreadsheet. Impressive, no?

So, what I am trying to say is, if you want to say something to me, you don’t need to create an intricate system of meanings layered upon meanings to communicate it to me. Just say it.

Shut up?

What do you mean by that?