They say that there is no such thing as a free lunch. I am here to tell you that they are wrong. There are many free lunches out there for those who are willing to seek them out. It doesn’t take a whole lot to get free lunches, as we’ll explore after the cut.

There are a number of places that offer “free lunches” as an enticement for you to listen to a sales pitch, typically regarding a time share condo or Viagra. Now, some would argue that this lunch is not free since you have to listen to the whole sales pitch and since they get really mad when you don’t buy anything.

I am here to tell you that this is the little voice in the back of your head being a pain in the ass. Just like high school, just because people are talking doesn’t mean you have to pay attention. In fact, the less you pay attention, frankly, the better. Furthermore, if they get mad at you for not buying something, you can offer to give them the lunch back. Helpfully start sticking a finger down your throat. This usually gets them to let you leave.

You can see two valuable lessons in this example.

First, if they say it’s free, it is free.

Second, if they say it’s free, then expect you to pay, you are within your rights to vomit on them.

Really, if they say its free and then expect you to do anything to balance out the cost of the free lunch, you are within your rights to do pretty much any legal obnoxious thing. For example, start talking to them loudly about your religious or political beliefs. Since they are salespeople, they will want to agree with you. You can go all Borat on them and all they can do, once they’ve started agreeing, is helplessly agree, at which point you can start announcing to other people in the room that you and your new friend think that a new engine fueled entirely by dead puppies is a good idea.

Now, some of you are saying “But Joey, I have to pay for the food with my vomiting or with my obnoxious behavior.”

This just means you need to adjust your thinking, which leads us to lesson #3.

Third, any excuse to behave obnoxiously in public is a reward, not a burden.

Go to the time share luncheon convinced that you are going to get a free lunch AND a chance to behave like a total ass. With this mindset, you are in a win/win situation.

Once I’ve shared all the secrets of my success with you, the threat posed to our society by time shares will be ended once and for all. God Bless America.