The United States Of America Is, As We Are All Aware, Becoming An Increasingly Christian Nation. It Is About Time, Too. I Was Really Starting To Enjoy All That Porn And I Need A Strong Moral Hand To Knock The Porn Out Of My Sticky Mortal Hand.

However, As America Becomes More Christian, We Find Ourselves Having To Deal With Uncomfortable Questions. Questions Like “how Can A Christian Nation Support The Death Penalty And Still Claim To Follow That Whole ‘thou Shalt Not Kill’” Thing. Today, I Will Help Explain To You How We Can Kill People In God’s Name In Violation Of One Of His Commandments And Still Not Be Hypocrites.

First, It Is Important For You To Be Pretty Familiar With The Bible. I Got My Information here. I Figure, With All The Information Available On The Interweb, Why Bother To Read The Book Itself?

Anyhow, The Thing I Learned Was That There Are Many Different Versions Of The Bible Depending On Who You Talk To. As We Have Already Established, There Are Specifically Many Different Version Of The Ten Commandments.

Your First Order Of Business In Not Looking Like A Hypocrite When Claiming To Be Christian But Supporting The Death Penalty Is To Try And Find A Version Of The Bible That Already Supports Your View - Perhaps One That Translates “thou Shalt Not Kill” As “thou Shalt Not Murder.” See How That Would Allow Execution? Murder Is Unlawful Killing. Thus, A Lawful Killing Is Allowed. Whew!

Another Useful Trick Is To Look Into The Bible For Signs Of Contradiction. There Are Tons! Not Just Old Testament/new Testament Stuff Either. For Example, At One Point, In exodus, There Is A Whole List Of People That Is All Right To Kill, Including Witches, People Who Have Sex With Animals And People Who Sacrifice To Other Gods. Sorry Buddhists!

If You Can Justify Killing Somebody Using Words From The Bible, Then It Is All Right With God. God Is, After All, Much More Interested In Your Linguistic Ability To Bend His Words To Your Will Than He Is In Your Actually, You Know, Following His Commandments And Stuff. This Being The Case, I Have A One Way Ticket To Heaven And Shit. I Rule.

Now, Let’s Say We Support The Death Penalty And Execute An Innocent Person. Is This Ok With The Bible? Well, Heck, If The State Says It Is, Then It Must Have Been God’s Will That That Person Die. After All, According To Modern Christian Interpretation, God Is Behind All Governments. Bush? God’s Man. Blaire? God’s Man. Husein? You Betcha. God Created Government, And, Thus, He Even Created Husein’s Government.

Finally, It Is Useful To Have An Understanding Of Ancient Languages. If You Can Prove That The Greek Word For “kill” In “thou Shalt Not Kill” Is Typically Only Used In The Context Of Killing, Say, Angry Sheep, Then You Have Pretty Much Free Reign To Kill Anything Except Angry Sheep.

This Is The Beauty Of The Bible. It Can Be Used To Justify Just About Anything.