Like many Americans, I would like to take this opportunity to totally ignore and disenfranchise everyone who does not buy into Christmas by spending a few minutes focusing on it. Baby Jesus cries every time an American acknowledges that there might be people with different belief systems. Remember, Americans, religious freedom means having the freedom to trounce on anybody who believes different things than you, so today, Christ’s brithday, is an especially good day to trounce.

“But Joey,” I hear you ask (with my Christ given powers of superhearing and telepathy - powers you get as soon as you accept Christ into your life), “aren’t we supposed to do unto others as we would have them do unto us?”

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. If you weren’t Christian, wouldn’t you want a good Christian forcing their beliefs on to you until, out of hurt and frustration, you finally gave in and agreed to be Christian - even if only to shut them up?

God is a jealous God and doesn’t care about things like “manners” or “respecting others.” No, God wants you out there on the streets, soldier, forcing non-believers to light little candles and praise his name.

That is why we celebrate Christmas on the day that we do. According to church history, this was a Pagan day of celebration. It was co-opted by the church as the birth of Christ as a way of saying, “see, silly Pagans! You’ve been celebrating Christ’s birth all along and just didn’t know it.”

The day is all about converting non-believers. This is why it is so important to punch anyone who says “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” right in their soul-damned-to-hell teeth. Bill O’Reilly knows it. You should know it, too.

Also, what better day than this, the day of Christ’s birth, to remind people that King Herod ordered the death of all male babies under the age of 3 because he’d been warned of Christ’s birth by - wait for it - the three wise men. They didn’t know what they were doing.

See? Intellectuals and a Jew tried to kill Baby Jesus. They failed because they were too smart and Hebrew.

This is further proof that you shouldn’t think too hard or acknowledge Chanukah. Also, one of the wise men might have been an African, so ignore Kwanza, too.

Basically, Christians, on today, Christmas day, go out there and make everyone who doesn’t think exactly the way you do to conform to your way of thinking. Remember! Suppression of non-Christian thought is the American way!

The founding fathers knew it, too, which is why they included the Bill of Rights. To confuse us into doing the right thing by going against it.

And Merry Christmas.