Shortly after conquering the New World with germs and steal, the Spaniards discovered that maintaining a decent supply of ammunition to fight off the heathens was going to be a major problem. A typical supply ship took weeks, even months, to arrive from Spain. During certain periods of Winter, it was too dangerous to even attempt a crossing. As a result, the Spaniards had to become creative in devising methods of battling off the heathens.

Perhaps the most surprising development came in the form of the Constipatidor.

Basically, these brave men took advantage of the bowel problems that the Spaniards faced with due to their inability to properly digest the water. Many of them would become severely constipated - a condition that they had never faced in Spain.

Doctors tried everything to relieve their misery. One day, a large nurses’ aide named Carmen fell directly onto the abdomen of a suffering Spaniard and the blockage was expelled with such force that it blasted a hole in the roof.

Seeing an opportunity to use this to their advantage, the patients, now called Contipatidors (not to be confused with the Fecalese, the mounted version of the Constipatidors) would line up along the barricades of the Spanish forts, bend over in the traditional way, and be squeezed with great force. The resulting blast would produce relief for the patient - and horror for the enemies.

This method of warfare was very popular for several decades until the Aztecs developed elephants and used bags of their feces to fight back. The waring parties eventually signed the historic “Dung Non-Proliferation Act of 1598″ bringing an end to the age of the Constipatidor.