The Dead End

So… from last week’s show…

John — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 01:41:53 +0000

My friend (and former TDE writer) Miss Michele is having a baby. No, it’s not mine…

But we did discuss when she was due, and during last week’s show decided to put down bets as to when she will actually pop out her blessed bambina.

Her due date is October 2. Because it’s just so close, I’m saying October 6. And what better day than that to be born on?

Miss Michele picked September 30. Probably wanting to get it over with already. Her husband (Mister Michele?!?) picked October 10 - wanting her to suffer?

Whitters picked October 5, probably to spite me. Show affiliate Shane picked October 3.

Listeners Rebecca picked the earliest date in the pool - September 28, while BlindNeil picked October 8.

Obviously we’ll be keeping tabs and posting an update at the end of the month when Miss Michele returns for a guest spot on the show (she has free Tarot readings on the air) on the August 27 show.

You’re welcome to join the foray… winner gets a box of imaginary cookies!

Mmm… steaks…

John — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 05:00:51 +0000

There are a few things I could see myself conceivably stabbing someone else over. I would stab you if you were to mess with my son, for example.

But for steak? I don’t know…

Apparently, a guy stabbed someone fatally over steak last week. They were swapping the steak for cocaine.

Two brothers went to their local crack house hours after they made their swap. I guess they wanted their steaks back because they thought they got ripped off.

“What kind of cocaine is this? I want my baby back ribs back!”

One of the brothers died — DIED — for this.

You cannot make this shit up.

Engagement

Mary — Sat, 02 Aug 2008 05:00:27 +0000

It’s been three years on June 26th that me and Christian have been together. Officially and monogamously.

YAY!

So while we were bathing in our severe lack of funds on our anniversary in the morning i said: “you wanna get married on our five year anniversary?”

He said: “sure”

I said: “cool…. Its a Saturday too…”

The whole mood was very much like were just talkin’ shit. So you can imagine that later on that day when he called his mom and dad that we got engaged that my stomach dropped. But Ii called my gram and mom and friends and it was all good. We were suddenly engaged.

Woo hoo!

And then comes the fun part. Settling on a date. Planning it. Finding food. And service and omg. When I told my gram she made this statement like she thought she wasn’t gonna be around in two years so we bumped it to a year.

The cool thing is that everyone is kind of coming together to make it happen. My aunt and uncle volunteered to pay for my teeth and let me hold the ceremony and reception in their yard, my gram is giving us her ring, my mom is gonna pitch in and help pay for catering. Now Christian needs to call in his chips- his aunt can make the dress, his cousin can make the cake…… yeah.

The worst part of it is that my mom was jumping up and down like I’m some kind of leper who cant snag a guy because when i grab him my limbs fall off. Seriously mom. Seriously.

I have to tell you that, if you have never planned something like this, its very stressful. I feel like I have to have it all planned now and it makes me spastic. Like not only do i not have all the answers but I don’t have the funds and - well. I’m learning to breathe.

Honestly I would be perfectly satisfied with a trip to city hall, but a big deal must be made of this for some reason- maybe ’cause you only do it once (intentionally) and I’m not that girl who when she was little dreamed of her big day and frolicked around being a dumbass. No. I was like when i grow up I will have promiscuous sex with many people until i die.

Just kidding… kind of.

Anyway. everyone is telling me that this will all come together and it will be fantastic, so we’ll see. The only thing I have to figure out still is where I can rent plates, glassware, silverware and tables from. Get any ideas?

Attack of the Toilet

Whitters — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 21:03:37 +0000

No, I’m not talking about some cheesy horror flick that’s only on at 3:00 in the morning… I’m talking about real life. I’m talking about how I’ll never be able to enter a bathroom and be at ease again. Because ladies and gentlemen, bathrooms apparently hate me. And over the two weeks, they’ve been making their dislike for me known to the world.

The incident… It was a completely harmless act on my part. I needed to blow my nose, so I did. The upstairs trashcans were downstairs since it was garbage day, so there was nowhere to throw my used tissue. So naturally rather than letting it sit around, I tossed it in the toilet and flushed. That was apparently my first mistake.

I didn’t pay much attention to the flushing toilet, since I was in a bit of a rush to get back to my computer so John could call me for Radio X. Turning to glance in the mirror, I headed out the door. Right as my hand came to rest upon the lighswitch, I heard this strange sound. It sounded like the noise those large-bottle water coolers make when you’ve filled a cup and air escapes into the bottle. That bubble-popping noise.

Before I even had a chance to comprehend what was happening, I found myself standing in the middle of a water explosion. The toilet had gone crazy and was spewing water all across the bathroom. It reminded me oddly of my aunts hot tub when you turn all the bubbles on but there is too much water in the actual tub. The floor was soaked, the walls were soaked, and I stood there completely dumbfounded for at least 10 seconds just watching it.

Thankfully my brain switched back on and I was in motion. I got the water stopped (because the bubbles couldn’t do anything if there wasn’t enough water in the bowl), rushed into my room to type a hasty excuse for John, then headed downstairs where I proceeded to relay the whole story to my aunt. She looked at me the same way that I had looked at the toilet, and told me to find my uncle.

Twenty minutes, fourteen towels, and one wet vac later the floor was on its way to being dry and I was back on the air relaying my story to our audience who found the entire incident infinetly more hilarious than I did. But since that day, I have refused to do anything in the upstairs bathroom except shower because I firmly believe that toilet is possessed and it hates me.

I love the fishes

Mary — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 16:51:13 +0000

So its summer and its the time of year that I change from paste to brown almost overnight. It’s the time of year I wait for desperately from the second it ends. Mostly for the beach. And on that note I was patient this year as far as waiting for the water to warm up…

But when I got to the emptiest part of Brighton beach (and no I wont tell you where it is- its mine!!) I immediate dipped in the water to be surprised by what I hoped were dead jellyfish washing ashore. I considered it a side effect of the storm way off shore and let it rest. The next day I went back to find even MORE jellyfish.

WTF??? Where were they coming from and why are there so many? I mean there were jellyfish like I have never seen in my entire 23 years of life - except in Florida or after Hurricane Bob in 1992. Big domes with huge tentacles - really not the norm for where we are…

I brought this up to Christian and his reaction was something along the lines of brushing off. This irritated me. Fast forward. My Gramma calls me and tells me that in Newsday there’s an article about the sudden “bloom” of lion’s mane jellyfish in the Long Island Sound, the Great South Bay and the Atlantic Ocean and this is baffling long time beach goers and marine biologists - some say the water just got warm fast and there’s nothing to worry about, while others point to global warming and over fishing.

I stop thinking about it for a while until there’s a thing on the news about all these dead mussels washing up on a beach in Staten Island. This brought my train of thought to what if these things are related and global “climate change” (as remaining non-believers like to call it) has changed the syntax of the ocean and beaches as I know them…

(I have nothing else to say but cant think of a witty-punchy way to sign off so we’ll leave it at that)