2006
05.12

For almost six entire months I was denied proper medical care. I was told that I suffered from a mild stomach ulcer and it was suggested that I quit smoking 30 cigarettes a day and eating entire bags of Doritos. I knew that whatever ulcer I may have had was anything but mild. I also knew that I had no desire to continue drinking Maalox by the gallon in hopes that it would cure my intense stomach pains.

So I did it. I quit the deliciously minty Newports cold turkey and I refused to even look at a Twinkie. Still, the pains persisted and I was left with no choice but to march my little ass (and surprisingly it WAS little despite the devil dog consumption) down to the ER for a fifth time and demand a cure for whatever the fuck was ailing me.

There I sat for what seemed like an eternity in my flimsy assless gown when the most handsome man I’d ever laid eyes on came into my room. Normally I would have been embarrassed by the fact that such a good looking man was seeing me doubled over in pain with my thong exposed and my hair a wreck, but who gives a fuck about hot doctors when it feels like your ovaries are exploding?

“Erin? I’m Doctor Youwannafuckme. It seems you’re having some stomach problems?” He said.

“This isn’t a stomach problem, dude. This is me on the verge of slitting my fucking wrists and I’m not leaving here until you give me every test you have.”

He cleared his throat and smiled. “Don’t worry. I’ll be giving you some tests. Given your symptoms I’d like to start off with a pelvic exam.”

Just fucking great. I wanted to bang this guy and he wanted to check my vulva for diseases.

We headed down the hallway with a pleasant nurse who would be assisting the doctor during my pussy examination.

“Ok,” he said as soon as I had my feet in the stirrups, “I just need you to slide all the way down until you feel my hand on your bottom.”

Holy shit. This was too unreal for me. I’ve got this guys head between my legs in florescent lighting and now he’s gonna touch my ass with latex gloves on.

And then…it happened.

“Um…” he hesitated, “you forgot to remove your tampon”.

I don’t think it’s necessary to tell you how I felt when he said this. But I will say that even he was visibly mortified by the discovery.

The kind and gentle Doctor left the nurse and me alone while I took care of my plug situation. I’m not sure why the nurse had to stay for the ceremony but at that point the doctor could have just pulled it out himself and played hacksack with it. It’s not like I would have been any more humiliated. However, the goddamn nurse stayed put and actually watched me remove my bloody tampon. But it gets better.

“Uhhhhh…ok. I don’t see a waste basket anywhere,” I said to the nurse once I was finished removing the pesky plug.

“Oh, honey” she said in a nonchalant way as she held out her latex coated hand. “Just give it to me. I’ll take care of it.”

I was floored.

“No, it’s ok” I insisted, “I’ll throw it away. Just tell me where”.

The nurse wouldn’t budge. She wanted the tampon and she wanted it right then. I had no choice but to pass the torch. I plopped it onto her palm and cringed. There sat my filthy tampon in the hand of a complete stranger and I still had a pelvic exam to look forward to.

I was hoping that the doctor would at least reward me by telling me that I was sterile, but instead he only informed me that I was in good vaginal health despite having a tipped cervix.

Once the gynological exam was done and over with I was sent back to my room at the ER where I fell asleep. Almost 3 hours later, the doctor woke me with some startling news.

“We believe that you may have Hepatitis C.” he said. “You could have contracted it from sexual activity or from accidentally ingesting feces…. you know, poop.”

“Yeah. I know what feces is.” I began, “I’m just trying to figure out which is worse- eating shit or having an incurable STD.”

Because my Hep-C status was not quite determined yet and I was clearly in loads of pain, the doctor decided to keep me in the hospital until they were certain what was wrong with me. I’d fallen back asleep while waiting to be moved up to pediatrics when I heard an unfamiliar voice call my name.

“Erin! Hey, Erin! Wake up!”

“Dude, who the fuck are you?” I said, glaring up at an attractive guy my age, wheeling my bed into an elevator.

“You’re Pat Roderick’s friend, right? I live with him!”

“Ok, so you know Pat. But how the hell do you know who I am?”

“Oh” he said, “A few of the guys sometimes talk about you. Don’t worry. They say good things. I just noticed your name on the chart. Hep-C, huh? Damn, that sucks. Hey, didn’t you date Rick?”

I couldn’t have picked a better time to look like shit. Rick was the hip musician that I lost my virginity to after spending a summer together. He could pass for Dave Navarro on a good day and I had been completely obsessed with him. Tragically, he broke my heart and I was still holding a small grudge against him for it. I’m sure that he still thinks I have Hepatitis to this very day.

In the end I didn’t have Hepatitis at all. It turned out I had a gallbladder full of stones that needed to be removed.

And while I no longer have a gallbladder or my dignity, I did gain a massive amount of humiliation that will most likely haunt me until the day I die.

  1. I can’t beleive that nurse wanted to handle your bloody tampon. Thats gross. If I was her I would have kindly pointed you to a proper disposal area.

  2. people i was talking to on IM said I shouldn’t say anything but fuck it, I wouldnt be me if i didn’t.

    I have to call BULLSHIT on this story.
    first off if you have stomach problems they aren’t going to do a twat exam.
    Second, a nurse wouldn’t argue with you about disposal of a bloody tampon unless she is a vampire(badump bump. ok bad joke) she would had you the one of those red containers for you to dipose it yourself.

    and lastly no dr would mistake Hep c for gall stones.

    you are one disturbed individual and you need to visit a loon institution.

    I think your chemical imbalance pills has rendered you psychotic.

  3. had=hand

  4. TGO are you that angry? and why are you not in third person?
    Anyway, they always check the goods when you have abdominal problems. Secondly, I believe the tampon part because usually when blood is involved they don’t want anyone but nurses and doctors touching it.

    Lastly, you suck. hi all :)

  5. TGO on May 12, 2006 at 2:28 am said:

    people i was talking to on IM said I shouldn’t say anything but fuck it, I wouldnt be me if i didn’t.

    I have to call BULLSHIT on this story.
    first off if you have stomach problems they aren’t going to do a twat exam.
    Second, a nurse wouldn’t argue with you about disposal of a bloody tampon unless she is a vampire(badump bump. ok bad joke) she would had you the one of those red containers for you to dipose it yourself.

    and lastly no dr would mistake Hep c for gall stones.

    you are one disturbed individual and you need to visit a loon institution.

    I think your chemical imbalance pills has rendered you psychotic.

    Why would they not give a vaginal exam to a woman with stomach pains when several other doctors hadnt come up with any explanation for the pain? You do realize that the female reproductive system exists within the abdomin, right?

    I have no explanation for the nurse. She’d probably been changing crackwhores bedpans for years anyway. Whats another bloody tampon added to the list?

    It’s not that surprising that the dr would have mistook my gallstones for Hep C. Both cause abdominal pain and both affect your liver considerably.

    You obviously have not thought these things through. But in any case, truth is often stranger than fiction and due to the fact that I enjoy writing non-fiction almost exclusively, I really don’t see a logical reason for lying.

    I do like that you discuss me on aim though :)

  6. crap let me rephrase that whole damn sentence.

    ” she would had you the one of those red containers for you to dipose it yourself”

    when NOT using a laptop would say
    “she would hand you one of those red containers for you to dispose it yourself”

    John, you really need to see if you can incorporate an edit feature it would be a hell of a lot easier. either that or just send me a better laptop. your choice =)

  7. when i met erin, she had a cold so i felt her boobs. so yeah, these things happen

  8. Erin on May 12, 2006 at 3:28 am said:

    TGO on May 12, 2006 at 2:28 am said:

    people i was talking to on IM said I shouldn’t say anything but fuck it, I wouldnt be me if i didn’t.

    I have to call BULLSHIT on this story.
    first off if you have stomach problems they aren’t going to do a twat exam.
    Second, a nurse wouldn’t argue with you about disposal of a bloody tampon unless she is a vampire(badump bump. ok bad joke) she would had you the one of those red containers for you to dipose it yourself.

    and lastly no dr would mistake Hep c for gall stones.

    you are one disturbed individual and you need to visit a loon institution.

    I think your chemical imbalance pills has rendered you psychotic.

    Why would they not give a vaginal exam to a woman with stomach pains when several other doctors hadnt come up with any explanation for the pain? You do realize that the female reproductive system exists within the abdomin, right?

    I have no explanation for the nurse. She’d probably been changing crackwhores bedpans for years anyway. Whats another bloody tampon added to the list?

    It’s not that surprising that the dr would have mistook my gallstones for Hep C. Both cause abdominal pain and both affect your liver considerably.

    You obviously have not thought these things through. But in any case, truth is often stranger than fiction and due to the fact that I enjoy writing non-fiction almost exclusively, I really don’t see a logical reason for lying.

    I do like that you discuss me on aim though :)

    sorry there is no magical door from your twat to your stomach. you said STOMACH PAIN. now if this was true and i’d bet large bills its not this would have to be one unprofessional crackhead doctor. I have family who are doctors and they would probably laugh.

    No way, i highly doubt underpaid nurses would spend their time arguing over a bloody tampon crackhead or not.

    comparing the two is like comparing apples with oranges. and to find hep-c its a simple blood test not twat exploration. and a simple xray would detect gallstones.

    I thought these through plenty and you have been called out on your bullshit. perhaps good reasoning for lying is lack of better things to do? thats just an educated guess.

    discuss you on aim? you were mentioned once when i asked John if you and pig were still friends. nice try but as usual don’t flatter yourself.

  9. TGO on May 12, 2006 at 3:38 am said:

    Erin on May 12, 2006 at 3:28 am said:

    TGO on May 12, 2006 at 2:28 am said:

    people i was talking to on IM said I shouldn’t say anything but fuck it, I wouldnt be me if i didn’t.

    I have to call BULLSHIT on this story.
    first off if you have stomach problems they aren’t going to do a twat exam.
    Second, a nurse wouldn’t argue with you about disposal of a bloody tampon unless she is a vampire(badump bump. ok bad joke) she would had you the one of those red containers for you to dipose it yourself.

    and lastly no dr would mistake Hep c for gall stones.

    you are one disturbed individual and you need to visit a loon institution.

    I think your chemical imbalance pills has rendered you psychotic.

    Why would they not give a vaginal exam to a woman with stomach pains when several other doctors hadnt come up with any explanation for the pain? You do realize that the female reproductive system exists within the abdomin, right?

    I have no explanation for the nurse. She’d probably been changing crackwhores bedpans for years anyway. Whats another bloody tampon added to the list?

    It’s not that surprising that the dr would have mistook my gallstones for Hep C. Both cause abdominal pain and both affect your liver considerably.

    You obviously have not thought these things through. But in any case, truth is often stranger than fiction and due to the fact that I enjoy writing non-fiction almost exclusively, I really don’t see a logical reason for lying.

    I do like that you discuss me on aim though :)

    sorry there is no magical door from your twat to your stomach. you said STOMACH PAIN. now if this was true and i’d bet large bills its not this would have to be one unprofessional crackhead doctor. I have family who are doctors and they would probably laugh.

    No way, i highly doubt underpaid nurses would spend their time arguing over a bloody tampon crackhead or not.

    comparing the two is like comparing apples with oranges. and to find hep-c its a simple blood test not twat exploration. and a simple xray would detect gallstones.

    I thought these through plenty and you have been called out on your bullshit. perhaps good reasoning for lying is lack of better things to do? thats just an educated guess.

    discuss you on aim? you were mentioned once when i asked John if you and pig were still friends. nice try but as usual don’t flatter yourself.

    I was going to logically try to educate you and perhaps have an actual debate in order to shed some light on the validity of my story.

    Then I remembered that you’re incapable and that I don’t care anyway.

    I missed you TGO

  10. there’s no debate, you are full of shit. even on my worst no sleep for 12 hours day you couldn’t out debate me. it would be delusions of grandeur on your part and probably chemically induced.

    of course you missed me. everyone always does.

  11. Erin on May 12, 2006 at 12:00 am said:

    “We believe that you may have Hepatitis C.” he said. “You could have contracted it from sexual activity or from accidentally ingesting feces…. you know, poop.”

    “Yeah. I know what feces is.” I began, “I’m just trying to figure out which is worse- eating shit or having an incurable STD.”

    LOL!! Me thinks Erin had one too many dirty Sanchez =~)

  12. Holy Crap! I always thought TGO was Webpig! I really need to start paying better attention to the comment sections.

    Does this mean TGO is Dr. T?

  13. TGO on May 12, 2006 at 3:38 am said:

    discuss you on aim? you were mentioned once when i asked John if you and pig were still friends. nice try but as usual don’t flatter yourself.

    That was about a month ago. This was just posted, so what’s your excuse now?

  14. Joey Michaels on May 12, 2006 at 5:26 am said:

    Holy Crap! I always thought TGO was Webpig! I really need to start paying better attention to the comment sections.

    Does this mean TGO is Dr. T?

    you really thought that? wow thats funny, thanks for the morning chuckle.

    and rest assured im not Dr T.

  15. John on May 12, 2006 at 8:55 am said:

    TGO on May 12, 2006 at 3:38 am said:

    discuss you on aim? you were mentioned once when i asked John if you and pig were still friends. nice try but as usual don’t flatter yourself.

    That was about a month ago. This was just posted, so what’s your excuse now?

    there’s no excuse needed, that time we spoke(which was just a couple weeks ago not a month. it was before IG was “going back up”) was the only time I have mentioned her on AIM. Ol’ bloody tampon for brains is lying as usual.
    and john can you ftp ur show to me today so i can replay it the one i recorded stopped right in the middle.

  16. TGO on May 12, 2006 at 2:28 am said:

    people i was talking to on IM said I shouldn’t say anything but fuck it, I wouldnt be me if i didn’t.

    Then who exactly are you talking about?

  17. err I should rethink getting the middle of this but I have to shed some light on it all.

    First of all we are talking 3 years of infertility and gyn visits here so mucho experience. i’m going to chalk it up the fact that those nurses see a lot worse then bloddy tampons so they just think that we shouldn’t shudder at what they do. You would be surprised at what they want to and even try to touch. they are just strange individuals altogether.

    as for the stomach thing, it’s largely assumed that any girl who goes into the ER with stomach pain has an STD or is pregnant. Hence the reason they do a pelvic exam, which btw has to be something that a man thought up, as well as a pregnancy test. i had this happen to me as well. it turned out it was my ovaries though. actually in my particular town, they do a prego test for everything, break your foot, better do an ept.

    so that isn’t uncommon. if you have endometriosis and you have a stomach ache for more than a day or two then you could have tissue growing in your belly. so it’s not that off the wall for them to do that to her.

    however, i don’t know erin and if you two have a personal vendetta against eachother please, carry on. lastly, i laughed my ass off on this one……been there and had much worse done to me so it was nice to read about it happening to someone else!

  18. I went to Urgent Care complaining about stomach pain a few months ago and the first thing they did was a pelvic exam. That’s ALWAYS the first thing they do when a female complains about stomach pain. At least, in my experience. Then they did blood/urine tests before they did the ultrasound to rule out gallbladder even though I had all the classic symptoms.

  19. Thankyou ladies. Obviously TGO isn’t going to listen to reason if it’s coming from me because he has some sort of beef with me from like 4 years ago.

    Old habit I guess.

  20. Erin on May 12, 2006 at 4:08 pm said:

    Thankyou ladies. Obviously TGO isn’t going to listen to reason if it’s coming from me because he has some sort of beef with me from like 4 years ago.

    Old habit I guess.

    He’s probably jealous that he hasn’t gotten a pelvic exam for HIS stomach ache.

  21. any doctor ive ever known said the first thing they do is push on the area to see if there is pain if there is they would prob order an upper gi series or if they think its hep they would order a blood test to confirm. if they really think its hep they would also do an ultrasound on the liver to see if its enlarged or what have you. gall stones they could do an x-ray to see the stones and then determine whether they need to be surgically removed.

    as for the tampon thing, i still stand behind my original b.s. call.

    why would I have a beef with you? you did nothing to me, if anything from the past you should have a beef with me.
    im just telling it like it is, its what i do. I’d say the same exact thing if it was a friend. if hey got hurt by it oh well im a blunt person im not going to change that for anyone

  22. John on May 12, 2006 at 8:04 pm said:

    Erin on May 12, 2006 at 4:08 pm said:

    Thankyou ladies. Obviously TGO isn’t going to listen to reason if it’s coming from me because he has some sort of beef with me from like 4 years ago.

    Old habit I guess.

    He’s probably jealous that he hasn’t gotten a pelvic exam for HIS stomach ache.

    might be true if i had a stomach ache. not me i have the stomach of iron

  23. I did have an ultrasound AFTER I was admitted to the pediatrics ward. As I stated, I was kept there until they were certain what was wrong with me. Blood and urine tests showed signs of liver malfunction. They didn’t tell me I 100% had Hep-C.

    If it makes you feel superior (and thats really what this is about, right?) then okay- I lied. The whole story is fabricated. I don’t even have a uterus. You caught me.

    You claim you have no beef with me but you harp on everything I say. And whats with the constant mention of chemical imbalance? Sounds like a beef to me.

  24. Erin on May 12, 2006 at 9:41 pm said:

    I did have an ultrasound AFTER I was admitted to the pediatrics ward. As I stated, I was kept there until they were certain what was wrong with me. Blood and urine tests showed signs of liver malfunction. They didn’t tell me I 100% had Hep-C.

    If it makes you feel superior (and thats really what this is about, right?) then okay- I lied. The whole story is fabricated. I don’t even have a uterus. You caught me.

    You claim you have no beef with me but you harp on everything I say. And whats with the constant mention of chemical imbalance? Sounds like a beef to me.

    pediatrics ward? how old were you when you went to the hospital, if it was in your 20’s than you’re full of shit with that too. they wouldn’t send you to the pediatrics ward even the most incompetant hospital know better than that.

    you dont have to make me feel superior i already am superior. I know it was fabricated, now whether you have a uterus or not I really don’t care to know because the thought of it makes me sick.
    nope, no beef. you know I make fun of people It’s something i enjoy doing and it’s so damn easy. I pick you because you are an easy target. you know like Tigers go for the injured gazelle to take down.
    Making fun of your chemical imbalance is also amusing.
    to have a beef with you might imply i’d have to care enough about you and well sorry to burst your bubble I dont. you’re just a name to make fun of on the internet.

  25. I was 18.

  26. God, you really ARE thiat stupid, arent you?

  27. oh please don’t even compare smarts with me you will lose badly. just sit back in your little chair and write your false stories.

  28. i don’t care what anyone says, that story was incredibly entertaining.

  29. Dude, you don’t even use punctuation 1/3 of the time.

  30. dude, look who i am writing to I need to dumb it up so you can understand it.

  31. The most awesome article written on TDE, EVER! Congrats Erin.

    And yes, they do a pelvic exam when you go in doubled over in pain like Erin was. The reason I say this is because it’s what the doctor did when I went in with the same symptoms and after testing [pelvic included] I had to have my Gallbladder removed. My pain was in my abdomen, lower abdomen that is. It felt similar to when my ovarian cyst ruptured. It’s standard to give a chick a pelvic when complaints of pain are given for that area.

  32. she said stomach, if she had said lower region thats different.
    the story is a fake but hey if you enjoyed it, different strokes for different folks

  33. Doctors are dumb sometimes. I’ve had constant problems for 4 years now and noone knows what the fuck is wrong. Las time I was there it was “Loose weight and see if that helps.” The problem being that I can eat nothing and still stay the same weight, I have no energy, and have had many symtoms simular to diabetes, ulcers, and gallstones. All of which he has aparently no evidence of, even though it takes 3 months to get a test after a complaint, so of course everything has changed since then. /end rant

    You have to just love embarassing doctor moments.

  34. you need a different dr

  35. Tanya on May 14, 2006 at 1:47 pm said:

    Doctors are dumb sometimes. I’ve had constant problems for 4 years now and noone knows what the fuck is wrong. Las time I was there it was “Loose weight and see if that helps.” The problem being that I can eat nothing and still stay the same weight, I have no energy, and have had many symtoms simular to diabetes, ulcers, and gallstones. All of which he has aparently no evidence of, even though it takes 3 months to get a test after a complaint, so of course everything has changed since then. /end rant

    You have to just love embarassing doctor moments.

    Does your back hurt as well? Basically my entire midsection was in extreme pain during the attacks. I know 3 other people who had gallstones for months and werent diagnosed wth it right away. I’m sure it has something to do with age. Doctors don’t expect a young person to have gallstones.

    My situation was a tad different too because I had a walnut sized stone lodged in some sort of bile duct or whatever. I actually had 2 surgeries for it.

    You should try going to the ER (if you havent already) or just flat out ask for an ultrasound. For some reason there seems to be a huge amount of doctors out there who would rather tell you a bunch of bullshit instead of properly diagnosing you.

    It also kind of sounds like you might have a thyroid problem.

  36. Erin, I know exactly where you are coming from. Four years ago, the same thing happened to me (sans the tampon). I had constant stomache trouble to the point where no doctor could explain it and people thought I was lying about having such intense stomache pains. The first thing they did was a pelvic exam and blood work and was convinced that I had some undiscovered STD. After numerous tests and NUMEROUS ultrasounds, they finally discovered it was gall stones and I ended up having emergency surgery. Numerous tests, doctors, and months of agony to discover something that should have been so obvious.

  37. Ooh, what hospital were you at? I might know the doctor.