The Dead End » Joey Michaels

The Political Collapse of Hillary Clinton/Barack Obama

Joey Michaels — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 05:00:08 +0000

Way back when the Giants kicked my Patriots’ cheating asses in the Super Bowl, I promised John four on time updates on subjects of his choice.

I already totally crapped out on the on-time part, though it isn’t entirely my fault. See, by this time, I was supposed to write about “The Political Collapse of Hillary Clinton/Barack Obama (whichever is actually winning and/or in the race still).” Neither John nor I had any reason to believe that both would still be in the race at this point. In fact, March Madness is about get to started and we’re still dealing with this nonsense.

So, let me write about the topic by writing about my biggest pet peeve with the U.S. election system – the Primaries.

First off, fuck the Primaries. In fact, cut a hole in the abdomen of the Primaries and fuck that.

I think that makes my position pretty clear. Here is the way I see it.

The Primary system is designed in such a way that the majority of people in the United States are ultimately denied a say in who they ultimately elect President. Furthermore, the Primary system has made the two political parties (which are not mentioned anywhere in our Constitution or anything) the only two viable political parties. They are one of the many things that have institutionalized this partisan bullshit we’ve been dealing with our whole lives.

Since they happen over such a long period of time, the states that vote later are totally screwed. John McCain already has his party’s nomination. Why should he give a rats’ ass about courting Pennsylvania’s voters now? He doesn’t need them until the general election.

Normally, that is how it is for both parties. The fact that Obama and Clinton are in a knock-down, drag out fight for these votes in Pennsylvania is a fluke. Probably, the entire state is going to register Democrat and turn out to vote. Republicans (and closeted Republicans) for Clinton, Democrats and teenagers for Obama.

Heck, this is the first year my state’s votes ever mattered in the primaries. As a result, we have a 500% jump in voter turnout. They didn’t have enough ballots. People were getting into fistfights. Seriously. Most exciting political thing out here ever.

Shouldn’t it be like that everywhere? Shouldn’t voting matter so much to people that they are willing to take a sock to the jaw to get it recorded? I mean, in theory, this is the future of your fucking country, man. Take some responsibility. Man up. Even if you vote for Paddy McRacist of the North American Bourbon Drinking Redneck Party, at least vote. Jesus Christ.

Sorry, anyhow, the popular wisdom is that Obama and Clinton are going to continue kicking the shit out of each other and that, somehow, this is bad for them.

I say bullshit to this, and it is because of the New York Giants.

See, when the Giants lost to the Patriots in Week 17, I told my friends “the Giants are going to win the Super Bowl.” I believed this because they were on fire during their loss to the Patriots. You could see their attitude changing from “We can’t win” to “Holy shit, we’re pretty good.” I picked them in each of the playoff games and in the Super Bowl. Had they had a week off between Week 17 and their first playoff game, it may have been a different story.

Obama and Clinton are in the news all the time. They are both getting a ton of coverage and are likely to continue getting it through the Democratic primary. McCain? He’s an afterthought. What’s the last story you saw on him? He is so not the story of this election at all.

When the Democrats finally choose a candidate, they’re going to pick somebody who has been actively battling and campaigning while John “Tom Brady” McCain will have been resting for a couple of months. The Democratic candidate is going to be pissy, tired, battle wearied and ready to start drawing some serious blood. I’m just saying, it is going to get ugly by November.

Now, as far as the political collapse aspect of this report goes, I predict that whoever gets elected will be a one term President.

Why?

There is no way to just withdraw from Iraq.

If it is McCain, since he doesn’t want to withdraw, his number will start tanking as war weariness sets in. If it is Obama or Clinton, their numbers will collapse as they fail to deliver on this promise.

The economy is fucked.

Yes, it was fucked up by the current folks, but the proverbial chickens will be coming home to roost during the term of the next president. Whoever it is will take the blame.

Gas is going to be like $9 by the end of their term.

During the 2012 elections, the candidate who promises lower gas prices will win.

Anyhow, the best part about this is that we, the American people, are pretty much fucked any way you look at it, especially since we keep looking at these career politicians to save us.

So, we need to vote. We need to force them to toss out the Primary system. We need to go and pick the fucking garbage up off the streets in our neighborhood. Nobody else is going to do it. There are wet newspapers all over the ground in the park across the street from my apartment. If I don’t fix this, it will just stay like that and I’m frankly sick of it.

Anyhow, be the change you want to see blah blah blah. Nice words, but I prefer “You got a fucking problem? Do something the fuck about it.”

What do you think?

Creative Ways to Use the Extra Day in February

Joey Michaels — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 06:00:44 +0000

If you’re anything like me, you’re always in need of a little extra time. Every four years, we get that little bit of extra time in the form of Leap Year. So, since you have a whole extra day this year, what should you do with it?

Well, if you’re American, “The Man” wants to stick it to you. Note that “The Man” always schedules election years the same year as leap years. The hope is that you’ll be so wrapped up in the election that you won’t bother asking why you have to work that extra day.

Fortunately, most of my fellow Americans could care less about the election, especially when Lindsay Lohan’s freckled boobs are finally bare for the whole world to see. What I’m saying is, to most of us, the fact that Ms. Lohan is nude in public is much more interesting than anything either political party can dredge up. As a matter of fact, if I were John McCain, I would announce that her breasts were my candidate for Vice President.

Anyhow, this gets to my first suggestion for us of your time on February 29. Look at naked pictures of famous people. Even if they don’t turn you on, a lot of people went through a lot of trouble to make it possible for you to look at these nude celebratards. The least you can do is pay them back by politely watching the Gene Simmons sex tapes or those snapshots of that poor girl from High School Musical.

What’s more, this is your chance to send them thank you notes.

“But those won’t be safe for work,” I already hear you whining.

What are you working for? Did you agree to work an extra day this year? This is like your boss scheduling you on Super Bowl Sunday. If you are working this extra day, you should at least be paid double time.

Me? I’m not even bothering going in to work. I’m not even going to call in. My boss knows he’s dicking me over by scheduling me. And I know that he knows. It is a battle of wills. A psychological game of chicken and I’m willing to crash my brain into his any day, anytime. Especially leap day.

Basically, my brain is like a hummer and his is like a ‘74 Pinto.

Anyhow, I encourage you to avoid sleeping at all costs during your Leap Day. This is 24 hours of time that you’ll never have again. At the end of it, you’ll be older. You need to do everything in your power to stay up.

This is why Leap Day is an excellent day to sample energy drinks. Keep a stethoscope on hand so you can periodically check your heart rate after you’ve drunk one. Remember, if drinking them gets your heart rate up above 120, you are actually at the equivalent of 20 minutes on the cross trainer. You’re awake and you’re doing cardio. Monster cardio.

So, you’re on a caffeine buzz and you’ve spent some time skipping work and looking at porn. What should you do with the rest of your time?

Did you know that while you were at work, there were a number of TV shows that were being shown that are not shown when you are home from work? It’s true! Cartoons, soap operas, talk shows, a whole variety of things that you never have a chance to see. You owe it to yourself to see if any of them are worth checking out.

Good luck and Happy Leap Year.

10 Lists of 10 – Valentines Day Edition

Joey Michaels — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 06:00:11 +0000

Dedicated to all the girls I loved before. And Willie Nelson.

I. 10 Love Offerings (From The Cat)

1. Dead Bird
2. Dead Mouse
3. Dead Garter Snake
4. Partially Alive Bird That Comes Back to Life and Flies About The House
5. Vomit in Your Shoes
6. Urine Marking/Spraying Your Jeans
7. Aggravated Yowling at the Bedroom Door While You Are Sleeping
8. Scratching at Bathroom Door While You Are Using The Toiler
9. Desperate Pawing at Your Face at 4 in the Morning
10. Purring

II. 10 Songs To Avoid Dedicating To The One You Love

1. ‘Cherry Pie’ by Warrent
2. ‘The Ballad of Jerry Curlan” by The Angry Samoans
3. ‘Cop Killer’ by Body Count
4. ‘Playground in My Mind” by Clint Holmes
5. ‘Thank Heavens for Little Girls” by Maurice Chevalier
6. ‘She Bop’ by Cyndi Lauper
7. ‘I’ll Make a Man Out of You’ (from Disney’s Mulan)
8. ‘Too Drunk To Fuck’ by The Dead Kennedys
9. ‘The Star Spangled Banner’
10. ‘I Can’t Drive 55′ by Sammy Hagar

III. 10 Sexual Positions That I Just Made Up Right Now

1. Reverse Back Door Cowgirl
2. The Six Legged Tripod
3. La Fenêtre Poilue Rouge
4. Transcendent Daisy Reclining Over Enraged Minotaur
5. Entangled Marionettes
6. 15 Story Drop
7. The Weight Lifter’s Dilemma
8. 74
9. God Touching Adam
10. Masonry Position

IV. 10 Pet Names For a Loved One

1. Snookums McGee
2. Pookie Breath
3. Fruity Patootie
4. Hot Karl
5. My Little Babel Fish
6. Boo Boo Snugglebum
7. My Unwilling Hostage
8. Skim Pippy
9. My Behemoth of Love
10. Sir and/or Ma’am

V. 10 Girt Alternatives to Candy

1. Pork
2. Dim Sum
3. Bag of Pretzels
4. Radishes – Red
5. Cucumber (unsliced)
6. Bag of Spooj (“I Made It For You Myself”)
7. Cat Food
8. Dead Mouse
9. Catholic Host
10. Orange Hostess Cupcakes

VI. 10 Ways To Propose To The One You Love

1. Will You Marry Me?
2. How About Now?
3. Changed Your Mind Yet?
4. If I Stop Asking Will You Say Yes?
5. Would You Agree to Marry Me If I Agreed To Move Away?
6. These Fifteen Strangers All Agree That You Should Marry Me, So How About It?
7. As Police Cart You Off MARRRRY MEEEEE! MARRRRRY MEEEEE!
8. Dear Shiela, the judge says I may soon no longer be a threat to society. I am sorry I harassed you. I won’t let this get in the way of our inevitable matrimony. Can we do it as soon as I get out?
9. Dear Occupant, thank you for your magazine order and I’ve found you again at last so now we can get married, right?
10. You Didn’t Have To Shoot Me. A Simple ‘No’ Would Have Sufficed. Geez. I think I’m bleeding to death here. I have one final request. Blow job? No? How about marriage, then?

VII. 10 Messages You Might Find On Those Little Candy Conversation Hearts

1. Be Mine
2. I’m Sure
3. Got Love
4. Miss You
5. Whiz Kid
6. My Way
7. Call Me
8. Kiss Me
9. U R Special
10. URA Star

VIII. 10 Excuses to Avoid Having Sex

1. Headache
2. Backache
3. Sore from last time
4. Asleep
5. Have to Get Up Early Tommorrow
6. Stayed Up Too Late Writing Lists of 10
7. Don’t Like This Song
8. Somebody Will Hear
9. The Cats Are Watching
10. I Can’t Stop Thinking About John McCain’s Neck

IX. 10 Other Weapons Choices Cupid Sometimes Makes For Tougher Cases

1. Bullwhip
2. Gatling Gun
3. Flail
4. Halberd
5. Vorpal Sword
6. Throwing Stars
7. Tactical Nuke
8. Phillipine Fighting Yo Yo
9. Coffee Breath
10. Sprig of Mistletoe

X. 10 People Who Would Play a Good Cupid

1. Patrick Stewart
2. Jason Alexander
3. Michael Stipe
4. George “That Norm Guy From Cheers” Wendt
5. Bruce Willis
6. Mental Breakdown Period Bald Britney Spears
7. Vice President Cheney
8. Michael Chiklis
9. James Gandolfini
10. Vin Diesel

Joey Michaels’ Complete History of Baseball

Joey Michaels — Sat, 09 Feb 2008 06:00:32 +0000

Note: In light of the Giants’ victory, I offered to write four updates on any subject that John requested. This is the first of a series. I already know they’re going to be my best updates ever just based on the suggestions. Here we go.

There was a time before Baseball, but I wouldn’t brag about that. I mean, there was also a time before indoor plumbing. People would go around pooping on the street. Imagine the stench!

Well, in the time before Baseball, there was exactly such a stench, but instead of it emanating from poo on Main Street, this stench was emanating from the rotten soul of humanity. Major American cities knew they hated each other, but couldn’t quite put into words why.

“I hate Boston, grrr,” New Yorkers would mutter as they bashed their wives over the heads with clubs and dragged them by the hair back to their primitive caves.

“Why do you hate them,” visiting tourists from England would ask.

The New Yorkers would reply with the grunts, clicks and whistles typical of their species. Occasionally, they would break into interprative dance to explain their hatred, and thus Broadway was born.

Then, one day, in Boston, a rock was struck by lightening and the 2004 Red Sox burst out of it. Never has the world seen such an impressive sporting arsenal! And each one of them was made of stone!

This was like in 1815.

Hearing the grunting coming from New York, Johnny Damon said, “Those sound like my kind of people.”

“Shut up, Damon,” replied St. Curt, “We have a job to do up here, first.”

“One day I’ll join my species,” muttered Damon in his prehistoric language. Later, he went on to star in a series of Geico commercials which, in turn, inspired a short lived Situation Comedy.

“Let’s play some ball,” said St. Curt.

They looked around for a good game to play and discovered Cricket.

“What the fuck is this?” asked Big Papi.

The Red Sox had some big issues with Cricket. First, it was named Cricket. Second, outfield was pretty much everywhere. Third, you throw underhand.

One small, plucky member of the 2004 Red Sox, Babe Ruth, suggested that they put the outfield on one side and throw the ball overhand. The best cricket team of the day, The New Amsterdam Tories, scoffed at this idea, especially when the 2004 Red Sox beat them by a score of like 500 in just one hour. These disturbed sportsmen who actually still wanted for America to return to British Monarchical rule and give up democracy changed their name to “The Yankees” in shame and are known as that to this day.

Everyone loved Babe Ruth’s baseball rules so much that they adopted them all over America, and by 1875, there were baseball teams in every American city, except the cities in New England. The Red Sox were so dominant there that there was no reason to create any other teams in Hartford, Providence, Portland, Burlington or Concord. People would ride their covered wagons into Boston and live their all Baseball season, surviving only on the money they could earn through prostitution.

Then, in 1877, the 2004 Red Sox decided to travel forward in time.

“People throw the ball too slowly in this century,” explained Damon, “We’re all leaving and won’t come back until this game is seriously challenging again.”

“Not me,” said Babe Ruth, “I want to stay in this era so I can set a bunch of records that will be impossible for you guys to match once the game is seriously more challenging.”

Then he joined the Yankees and played there for 50 years until he changed his name to ‘Lou Gehrig’ and died of cancer.

Baseball entered its dark ages at this point and we really don’t know much about what happened during the intervening years. In 2004, though, the stone born Red Sox emerged and claimed their rightful place as world champions. In fact, no war or disease of any kind has effected anyone since they returned. Nobody has even died in three years.

Also, the Florida Marlins came into existence and most everybody laughed at them.

The End.

Still More Yet About Me

Joey Michaels — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 06:00:24 +0000

Last week, I wrote about some of the things that have happened because I got involved in improv. The next day, something else happened.

I’ve written about this extensively elsewhere, so I’ll give you the short version. Basically, some Hollywood types from a major studio are flying me and my group to L.A. for an industry showcase. This is like a big audition for agents, producers, executives and other industry bigwigs.

Now, the odds of this ever happening to me are so astronomically low that it is a miracle this happened. Should anything actually come of this beyond a free trip to L.A., it is a clear sign that truly anyone can break into the TV/film business. I have no business, as it were, in the business.

But I can’t turn down the chance either. I mean, how often does stuff like this come up? As I just mentioned, never.

I’ve realized a few things though. Things that make me sad.

First, this is probably the closest I’ll ever come to living my dream of having sex with Lindsey Lohan or Britney Spears. What I mean is, they’ll probably offer both of them to me and, since I’m married, and since they are both really very icky now, I will have to say no. By the time they get their acts together and look hot again, my 15 seconds will be up.

Second, I have a better chance of gaining fame using YouTube. I do this terrific erotic dance with a light sabre. I don’t have a decent camera, though, so the world will never witness my unique talents.

Third, there are only so many weeks of updates I can milk out of this thing before I have to start coming up with more interesting things to write about.