I’ve been in Edinburgh, Scotland for the last two weeks.

Let me tell you all about it.

First, there are big differences between Scotland and the United States. For one, everyone we met in Scotland was just awesome.

Well, there was this one guy who walked down the street calling everyone fuckers, but he was dressed all in black and sported a Thom Yorke haircut, so none of us took him too seriously.

We met some people who were drunk to the point of passing out who were just wonderful. We all sang “Show Me The Way To Go Home” with a particularly inebriated man on the number 31 bus. Splendid fellow. Another especially drunk man found out that we were visiting because we were performing a particular show and turned out to be an expert on that play – for real – like he’d written papers on it. Basically, everyone we met rocked.

Well, there was the British Airways lady at Glasgow. She was about the rudest person I’ve ever met. Seriously, I’ve received better customer service from the French. Never flying British Airways again if I can help it and mostly due to her.

Also, Heathrow Airport sucks ass. Seriously. Studies show that the stress of going through Heathrow is comparable to having a heart attack. Never going to Heathrow again and if that means I can’t ever go to England again, then it sucks to be me.

Sucks. Ass.

Scotland, however, is lovely. Edinbugh, particularly so.

Normally, a bagpipe sounds like a small child being slowly roasted in a can to me. We went to this thing called the Edinburgh Military Tattoo where about 100 bagpipes were all being played at once and damn it if it wasn’t one of the most beautiful sounds ever. Clearly, the bagpipe is an outdoor instrument.

Another difference is the cows. Most cows I’ve seen are short haired creatures. The cows (or “coos”) in Scotland are these majestic, shaggy beasts that look like something out of Star Wars. They walk around all day, their noble heads raised to the cold Scottish wind, waiting to be turned in haggis.

And haggis! An excellent food! People have unjustly suggested that it is vile. Next to your eggs in the morning, it is a real treat.

Scottish breakfast is, in fact, the best breakfast in the world.

Also, the money is different. Different size bills are actually different sizes. For example, a 5 pound note is smaller than a 10 pound note. This is really brilliant, especially when you are blind drunk.

Anyhow, in conclusion, Scotland is awesome.

  1. What about the women? Or are you not permitted to discuss that anymore?