2007
10.13

Far from being your normal kind of chica, I’ll admit that I see quite a few things differently than others (male and female, it would seem) my age. Now I know that when someone mentions that so-and-so is possessive of so-and-so it’s not usually a positive kind of thing and is usually met by concern from those hearing it, right? My position is, though, that possessiveness isn’t always such a bad thing.

Now before you start trying to send me off to the funny farm hear me out! I’m not saying that it’s good for someone to tell their significant other who they can and can’t interact with, or for it to be taken as far as a friend of mine had it taken when her husband actually checked the mileage on her car before and after she left for work to make sure she wasn’t going anywhere he didn’t know about. These are extreme cases and I don’t think them to be healthy – though the friend I mentioned is still happily married to the same man. I guess it just depends on the people… he wasn’t abusive to her, in her eyes anyway, and she took it as a manifestation of his severe insecurity (which is what it was).

What’s really important is that the person who’s being possessive realizes that they’re doing so and for both people involved to understand why. Is it because of severe insecurity? Or is it because you care about that person so much that you just don’t want anything to hurt them? Really, I can’t be in a relationship without a certain level of possessiveness. I’m old fashioned though and tend to think that women’s lib did a lot to push us back – sure equal pay for equal work is great and all but why’s that mean a gal can’t have a guy hold a door open for her?

I know I know, I digress. The point is that I like the idea of the strong male figure in a relationship. An ex of mine was so spineless … it irritated me to no end and, bitchy as I am, I’d always push the boundaries to see if he’d finally say something or act like he cared. What was that? Yes… I wanted to see if he’d act like he cared. See, I want a guy to be secure in our relationship but at the same time I want him to be protective of me. I want him to step in and save me from battles before they begin if possible. I want him to want to be the only guy on my mind, just as I’d like to be the only one on his mind.

Will I ever put up with someone telling me who I can and can’t talk to? Hell no. That doesn’t mean, though, that someone being a little jealous of the familiarity with which another greets me is a bad thing. There’s probably a fine line between healthy possessiveness/protection/whatever you wanna call it and out-and-out abusive possessiveness… but isn’t there a fine line between quite a few things that we gladly walk often?

There’s actually a song that sums up the type of relationship I’d like well… and I’ve discussed this with a few other friends who agree. Let Me Be Your Armor by Assemblage 23 starts out all protective and in the end is wanting to protect the loved one to the point of neglecting them life experiences and such. Does that mean that’s what happened in the relationship? No. Does that mean that the person has to be a psychotic control freak wanting nothing more than to play someone like a puppet? Hell no.

Why can’t it just mean that someone cares enough for someone to the point of wanting to keep them safe from all of the crap life has to throw at them? Personally, if someone would be willing to try to shield me from as much of it as they could I’d be pretty effing grateful.

  1. See I don’t consider possessiveness and caring to be the same. Hell yes a guy should open the door for his girl, and mine always does. And yes he should protect her and make her feel cared for and safe. But only if that’s what she wants too, so she doesn’t feel trapped or like he thinks she can’t handle herself. It’s all about balance and stuff. But I’m with you, I couldn’t be with a spineless loser either. No no-nut Nancy for me thank you heh.

  2. I don’t like it when someone I know and care for is involved with people that aren’t exactly treating them right. I can only do my best to try and guide them, regardless of how much I want to grab their shoulders and shake the reality into them. In the end, if they so choose to continue to make the same mistakes or carry in a blind fashion into something that will only hurt them in the end, I can only do what I was taught to do long ago, and that’s support them when they fall and laugh at them when it’s better.

    On that note, I find myself being a little possessive, moreso with my friends that I cherish, because I really hate seeing someone I love being hurt. Does that make me a bad person? I just happen to care. Is that wrong?

    I was talking with someone recently about a relationship they are in, and all I want to do is smack them for it, but I can’t. I don’t think they are making a wise choice, but instead of trying to be the bastion of negativity, I said that I would be there for them. See, what is most important to me is to stand behind them should they fall down, so I can help them get back up and carry on.

  3. I’d even go so far as to say there was a difference in being possessive and being controlling – being someone’s puppet is controlling in my eyes. I don’t need someone who wants to tell me how to breathe, but I don’t mind someone suggesting things to me.

    There’s a difference in:

    “Do not hang out with PersonX.” and
    “You know, if I were you I’d be a little cautious of PersonX. They seem to have different intentions than you think they do, but it’s entirely up to you.”