Despite having been absent from any defined “net cliques” for the past few years, I have remained addicted to this thing we call the internet. I still read blogs, laugh at the Craigslist Casual Encounters and talk shit on irc. But I’ve always found this sort of behavior pretty normal. I mean, everyone else seems to be doing it. How could I be any different?

Well, last week I realized just how obsessed I am… and I am profoundly embarrassed.

It was approximately 4:30pm and all of the usual business fucks were loading onto train. I usually avoid taking the train home at this hour because somehow these professionals have a magical way of filling all of the seats before the conductor even announces its arrival at the station. It’s irritating and suspicious and I hate them all. But I had no choice. I could take the train or wait around for another hour to catch the next train.

Fuck it. I’m going home. I hate the world and if all of the seats are occupied then I’ll just stab someone. At least they let you sit down in jail.

Fortunately it didn’t come to that because I found a space next to a nice looking woman who was probably a receptionist at some mediocre law firm. I opened up the March edition of Blender and settled in for a leisurely trip home. But as soon as the train began to pull out of the station I was approached by a large woman who asked if she could sit next to me.

Technically the seats are made to fit 3 people but hardly anybody ever crams that many asses on them at one time because quite frankly it’s uncomfortable. And did I mention that she had a rather large ass? I mean, the lady looked like she played for the New England Patriots and I got the feeling that she probably smoked 2 packs of Winstons a day while simultaneously shellacking her hair with Aqua Net. You know the type.

I let her sit next to me because I’m an upstanding citizen and I was afraid that she might flick me off the seat with her enormous thumb and forefinger if I didn’t. But I probably would have just gotten up and stood with the other seatless jerkoffs had I known that she and the receptionist on the other side of me were best friends with one another.

There I was sandwiched between two middle aged women who would not stop talking over me. I tried to concentrate on my magazine but it was no use. They knew I was young and dumb and would within hours be full of cum. What did they care if they were keeping me from reading an article on the Black Eyed Peas?

Just when I thought I might start to cry, their conversation turned out to be far more interesting than Fergie pissing her pants on stage. You see, the fatty is a huge drunk and began talking about some of the idiotic things she’s recently done after drinking too many Soco and cokes.

“Oh GAWD! I started jumping up and down and crying in that guys bathroom. I never even met him before! I was just screaming and throwing things around. Hahaha!!!!!”

This was good. Real good. I just hoped that she wouldn’t suddenly remember that I was sitting between her and her friend and stop talking about what a train wreck she was.

“And then when I got home I had a big fight with David. Yeah, I started calling Lisa a cunt and jumping up and down until they both left the house! Hahahaha!”

Clearly this woman had a thing for jumping up and down. Apparently she also thinks that being a complete reject while drunk is just as funny as I do. I was almost tempted to invite her to the bar until she steered the conversation in a different direction.

“Cathy is so pathetic. I mean, whats with her writing all the stuff on the internet about how she shaves her privates and her sexy baths and all that?”

All I heard after that was “BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH” because I immediately started thinking of Google keywords that would bring me to the site that Cathy wrote at.

  1. How in the world did you keep from laughing? See I would have missed out on something like this because I’d refuse to let her sit there. Regardless of whether or not she could flick me off or eat me.

    Hah, I’d like to see Cathy’s site. *starts thinking of keywords to Google*

  2. Yeah, being addicted tothe internet when you havea blog is normal, lol. but it can be embarassing.
    EEk, sitting between people can’t be fun. I hate trains, and if it was a long ride, that couldn’t be fun.

  3. I don’t understand why her or her friend asked if you could swap seats with one of them so that they could sit next to each other and chit chat instead of with you in the middle. I just think that’s really rude on their part. You did hear some juicy details though… good luck finding Cathy’s site.

  4. I hate that Patriots. I’m going to look for Cathy’s site now…

  5. Cathy sounds hot! (LOL!)

  6. did anyone find it, yet?

  7. zzzzzz

    (crickets chirping)

  8. haha that was just great.. I woulda asked.. “wow someone that posts something like that must have an interesting domain name”

    I bet they woulda told you.

  9. TGO4LIFE on April 6, 2006 at 9:29 pm said:


    (crickets chirping)

    Sorry we’re boring you. Maybe you need a dosage of a fat girl sticking a spoon up your ass to make things better?

  10. John on April 6, 2006 at 11:17 pm said:

    TGO4LIFE on April 6, 2006 at 9:29 pm said:


    (crickets chirping)

    Sorry we’re boring you. Maybe you need a dosage of a fat girl sticking a spoon up your ass to make things better?

    you need help just using “sticking a spoon up your ass” and “to make things better” in the same sentence