2006
07.04

It’s the mighty Fourth of July weekend here on Cape Cod, a time of traffic, drunken mayhem, and the celebration of our god-given right to blow things up. My local paper, which I trust above all things, tells me that we celebrate a Very Special Fourth of July this year, like the whole weekend is the Greatest After-School Special Ever Told.

Recently we Bay Staters (that’s Massachusetts) have been embroiled in a bitter struggle at the state legislative level that has torn families and friendships apart. It’s a philosophical debate with profound practical ramifications, involving deeply held beliefs of the most Fundamental Rights of Man, the True Nature of Things, and the Right to Control Our Own Bodies.

I speak, of course, of the Fluff Wars.

It began when a local politician found, to his horror, that his son was being asked — forced! — to consume delicious Fluffernutters for lunch twice a week at his elementary school. Fluffernutters, are of course, that delectable concoction of peanut butter and marshmallow fluff, spread in equal parts over the whitest of white bread.

Fluffernutters are a cherished part of any New England childhood, especially if by “any New England childhood” I mean mine. You had to be of a certain socio-economic background, I think, to have been exposed repeatedly to this delicacy, and you can always identify fellow devotees by the number of fillings we have in our back teeth. Little known fact: You can’t floss the fluff.

So the politician muttered there oughta be a law and submitted a tasty bit of legislation that would prohibit public schools from serving Fluffernutters more than once a week.

Outrage ensued, naturally.

A rival politician submitted a counter-bill, asking that the Fluffernutter be named the Official State Sandwich. Several communities rushed to stake their claim as the birthplace of Fluff, presumably so they could reap the forthcoming pork barrel profits.

On a personal aside, I actually witnessed this bitter furor at a statewide meeting I attended a few weeks ago — in a roomful of respected community leaders, no fewer than three towns fought over where Fluff had originated — in Somerville, where the inventor had invented it, in Gloucester, where the patent was then taken, or in Revere, where it has been manufactured for years.

But word is now out that the original Fluff-hating State Senator, Jarret Barrios, has gone all soft and mushy, and has retracted his original bill. So the healing can begin.

And, as we all know, true healing and celebration can only take place amid absurd amounts of alcohol consumption, unruly crowds, and explosives. Hey, it worked for the World Series celebrations a few years back. In Boston, apparently, it ain’t a celebration until somebody gets shot in the eye.

  1. feeding kids that stuff in school is fucking disgusting.

  2. whoa…i totally read about this on fark.com yesterday…maybe this was the site… =O

  3. Boston Massholes don’t know how to party. All they do is burn things and throw cars around. You’d think it was Compton after the Rodney King trials, not World championship celebrations like when the Pats won and won and won again, or when the Red Sox fluked their way to a win.

    But this… at least now they can take advantage of the flames and have cookouts at the same time!

  4. Fluff is gross. Of course, I only say that because of my high disposition against marshmallows.

  5. and their accents are even worse. listen to a bostonian say “dollar”
    they say it “dawlah”

  6. You can have a tasye treat around the campfire by rubbing fluff all over a stick instead of a marashmellow and then licking it off. Good times for the 8-12 year set, let me tell you.

  7. You know, I’ve never had a fluffernutter before. I guess it’s something about the name of it.

    And the thought of the textures. It makes my skin crawl.

  8. Perhaps it truly is a Bostonian thing because I for one happen to love Fluff. What’s odd is that I don’t really like marshmallows in their sticky solid state.

    I think the main reason for Boston being rowdy during celebrations is due to the absolutely enormous amount of college students here.

  9. and enormous amount of ignorance.

  10. Ie: Boston blows chunks.