2008
02.15

Dedicated to all the girls I loved before. And Willie Nelson.

I. 10 Love Offerings (From The Cat)

1. Dead Bird
2. Dead Mouse
3. Dead Garter Snake
4. Partially Alive Bird That Comes Back to Life and Flies About The House
5. Vomit in Your Shoes
6. Urine Marking/Spraying Your Jeans
7. Aggravated Yowling at the Bedroom Door While You Are Sleeping
8. Scratching at Bathroom Door While You Are Using The Toiler
9. Desperate Pawing at Your Face at 4 in the Morning
10. Purring

II. 10 Songs To Avoid Dedicating To The One You Love

1. ‘Cherry Pie’ by Warrent
2. ‘The Ballad of Jerry Curlan” by The Angry Samoans
3. ‘Cop Killer’ by Body Count
4. ‘Playground in My Mind” by Clint Holmes
5. ‘Thank Heavens for Little Girls” by Maurice Chevalier
6. ‘She Bop’ by Cyndi Lauper
7. ‘I’ll Make a Man Out of You’ (from Disney’s Mulan)
8. ‘Too Drunk To Fuck’ by The Dead Kennedys
9. ‘The Star Spangled Banner’
10. ‘I Can’t Drive 55’ by Sammy Hagar

III. 10 Sexual Positions That I Just Made Up Right Now

1. Reverse Back Door Cowgirl
2. The Six Legged Tripod
3. La Fenêtre Poilue Rouge
4. Transcendent Daisy Reclining Over Enraged Minotaur
5. Entangled Marionettes
6. 15 Story Drop
7. The Weight Lifter’s Dilemma
8. 74
9. God Touching Adam
10. Masonry Position

IV. 10 Pet Names For a Loved One

1. Snookums McGee
2. Pookie Breath
3. Fruity Patootie
4. Hot Karl
5. My Little Babel Fish
6. Boo Boo Snugglebum
7. My Unwilling Hostage
8. Skim Pippy
9. My Behemoth of Love
10. Sir and/or Ma’am

V. 10 Girt Alternatives to Candy

1. Pork
2. Dim Sum
3. Bag of Pretzels
4. Radishes – Red
5. Cucumber (unsliced)
6. Bag of Spooj (“I Made It For You Myself”)
7. Cat Food
8. Dead Mouse
9. Catholic Host
10. Orange Hostess Cupcakes

VI. 10 Ways To Propose To The One You Love

1. Will You Marry Me?
2. How About Now?
3. Changed Your Mind Yet?
4. If I Stop Asking Will You Say Yes?
5. Would You Agree to Marry Me If I Agreed To Move Away?
6. These Fifteen Strangers All Agree That You Should Marry Me, So How About It?
7. As Police Cart You Off MARRRRY MEEEEE! MARRRRRY MEEEEE!
8. Dear Shiela, the judge says I may soon no longer be a threat to society. I am sorry I harassed you. I won’t let this get in the way of our inevitable matrimony. Can we do it as soon as I get out?
9. Dear Occupant, thank you for your magazine order and I’ve found you again at last so now we can get married, right?
10. You Didn’t Have To Shoot Me. A Simple ‘No’ Would Have Sufficed. Geez. I think I’m bleeding to death here. I have one final request. Blow job? No? How about marriage, then?

VII. 10 Messages You Might Find On Those Little Candy Conversation Hearts

1. Be Mine
2. I’m Sure
3. Got Love
4. Miss You
5. Whiz Kid
6. My Way
7. Call Me
8. Kiss Me
9. U R Special
10. URA Star

VIII. 10 Excuses to Avoid Having Sex

1. Headache
2. Backache
3. Sore from last time
4. Asleep
5. Have to Get Up Early Tommorrow
6. Stayed Up Too Late Writing Lists of 10
7. Don’t Like This Song
8. Somebody Will Hear
9. The Cats Are Watching
10. I Can’t Stop Thinking About John McCain’s Neck

IX. 10 Other Weapons Choices Cupid Sometimes Makes For Tougher Cases

1. Bullwhip
2. Gatling Gun
3. Flail
4. Halberd
5. Vorpal Sword
6. Throwing Stars
7. Tactical Nuke
8. Phillipine Fighting Yo Yo
9. Coffee Breath
10. Sprig of Mistletoe

X. 10 People Who Would Play a Good Cupid

1. Patrick Stewart
2. Jason Alexander
3. Michael Stipe
4. George “That Norm Guy From Cheers” Wendt
5. Bruce Willis
6. Mental Breakdown Period Bald Britney Spears
7. Vice President Cheney
8. Michael Chiklis
9. James Gandolfini
10. Vin Diesel

  1. 10. I Can’t Stop Thinking About John McCain’s Neck

    hahahaha

  2. I would *almost* pay to see Cheney as cupid. Haha

  3. LOL! Cheney as Cupid?! Well, he’s good at “accidently” shooting people…